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THEODORUS, BANACAR
THE.
My sonne (God speed him well) is gone for England.
I saw him shipt
and almost out of sight.
Afterward I went
into the citty
Where I dispatch’d
some busines, and now 705
My mind is well
at rest. Ile home agin.
Banacar, thou knowst
I tooke thee first,
A poore wandring
boy destitute of all thinges,
And more then that
I have converted thee
From a Mahumetan
to bee a Christian. 710
BAN. Truly, sir,
I must confesse I owe
All that I am to
you, both body and soul,
And it shall ever
be my cheifest care
To obey your commands
with all diligence.
THE. Tis well;
goe in then, and thou shalt receive them. [Exit Banacar.] 715
I hope the boy
will prove an honest servant.
I must keep him
stricktly too’t, for wee often find
That idleness
corrupts both body and mind. [Exit.]
e inserts an extra scene here
TRICO, ANTONIUS
TRI. Stay a while,
Ile see if the coast bee cleare
Here’s noe
body, come forth, sir. 720
ANT. “I saw
the Phrygian army scatt’red at sea.”
TRI. What say you
now, sir? Am I not a brave Trico?
ANT. I, a most
admirable Trico.
TRI. I was a great
way off, and when I saw
Your father going
to bring you to the port, 725
I ey’d him
still as if he has been my land-marke
And follow’d
him like a dogg without a taile;
And assoone as
ever I perceiv’d him gone,
Forthwith I skipt
into my little boat,
And with a paire
of little nimble oares, 730
I launched me forth,
and quickly reacht your shipp;
And told the master
your mother was newly come
With all her family;
and that our father
Had sent me with
all speed to fetch you back,
Soe in this boat
we were brought back agin. 735
Now the shipp is
sayling toward London,
But what de’e
thinke the good old man your father
Is telling his
neighbors? “Now (sayes hee) my sonne
(God speed him
well) is forward on his iourny,
And my servant
Trico, that honest Trico, 740
Is busied in my
affaires out at the farme.”
But oh, Theodorus,
this shall be the farme to day.
ANT. All thinges
go well hitherto, but now, Trico,
Am I come back
to enioy my Rosabella?
TRI. I hope Trico
will bring that about too. 745
ANT. O that
thou couldst.
TRI. Did you not
see me talking with one even now?
ANT. Yes, with
a circumforaneous ballad monger —
TRI. — that
goes about the citty —
ANT. — and
cryes “little bookes.” 750
TRI. The very same;
his name is Cupes; but I little thought it, a veryer
knave then my selfe.
ANT. But Torcol
is a notable knave.
TRI. Hee is a great
knave indeed. Cupes and I are but halfe knaves to
him, yet give but Cupes a little mony before hand, and he shall doe wonders.
755
ANT. I have only
ten peeces here that my thrifty father gave me for my
iourny.
TRI.
That’s enough sir, give it me, and with this Ile worke him for the
purpose. Afterward you shall know what I have done. Now I will goe to some
brokers shopp that can furnish us with clothes for the sceane, that wee may
better 760
gild our deceit. In the meane while, sir, goe you to your freinds house in the
next
lane, and there keepe close that your father see you not, and Ile return agin
presently. You may mock at me if I do not contrive it.
ANT. Sayst thou
soe? If thou canst contrive it hansomly, Trico, I will give
thee — 765
TRI. Pray goe,
sir.
ANT. Lett me not
live if I doe not.
TRI. Nay, will
you not goe yet?
ANT. I go, my
Trico. [Exit.]
TRI. Cupes has
promis’d me hee’le doe his best. I have acquainted him with 770
all the busines allready. Looke where he comes with his baskett of bookes.
CUPES, TRICO
CUP. By little
bookes, bookes, witty new little bookes, bookes.
TRCUPI. Hoe, hoe,
bookes, little bookes.
CUP. Oh Trico,
Ile be for you anon. A peascods take these scurvy little bookes.
TRI. What say you?
775
CUP. I can’t
sell my bookes, pray stay a little.
TRI. Dispatch,
then.
CUP. Bookes, little
bookes. Who buyes The Eele of Equivocation or
The Arte of Lying, printed cum privilegio, made by the reverend father
in
the Devill Andrew Beelzebub, John Cydonius? Who buyes here? Come, who 780
buyes Beelzebub?
TRI. T’will
neere take well, noe body likes it.
CUP. Ile sell it
for three sous, for two sous, for a sou, for a groat; you
shall have a great devill for a little mony.
TRI. Have you a
booke called The Devils Club ?
785
CUP. The Devills
Club? There is such a booke but tis a banned one. What
would you with it?
TRI. I’de
best away that grand devill Beelzebub.
CUP. Tut, you could
not hurt him.
TRI. Why not? 790
CUP. Why, quotha?
Hee has a brasen face and a body of steele. Come
buy my bookes, litle books, A Way to Hold the Snake of Equivocation by the
Taile.
TRI. I had rather
have a halter for her neck, but Ile have it.
CUP. Pellio, Pellio, Pellio
the Pelt-Changer, His Method of Changing One’s
Pelt, writ by Master Pelter himself. 795
TRI. Pray make
no mention of Pellio, lest his name besmirch our play, as once
befell Plautus. A scurvy author, that Pellio, he’d wrack your heart with
his
mallice.
CUP. I am naught.
TRI. Would I had
his pelt stuft with straw. 800
CUP. Hush, straw
makes saints. D’ye want An Apology for Garnet? Now
there’s a bonny straw!
TRI. Cupes, there’s
hope for us to to be made saints.
CUP. How now, Trico?
TRI. Because we
are the worst of men. 805
CUP. Bookes, little
bookes, bookes, The Canonization of Sts. Garnett, Clement,
and Raviliack out of the Vatican Library. Schioppius, Shoppius the Pelt-Changer.
TRI. Hercules,
your piety!
CUP.
Bookes, little bookes, Parasitus Schioppius, or The Art of
Parasitizing, a manuscript. 810
TRI. Lett me see
that booke — phooh, it stincks of a urinary man. Does he
use piss for inke?
CUP. Who buyes
it? Why buyes my little bookes? I’m ruined.
TRI. Come, noe
more of thy bookes, away with them. You have read all
poysons. 815
CUP. Then the
devill take ’em. “What have I done, or what have I said?
Why do men destroy me with soe many bad volumes?”
TRI. And their
authors too, for they are muddy writers, incendiaryes,
disturbers of the world, oppressors of the comon people, distroyers of
the nobility, murderers of kinges and flatterers of the Pope. 820
CUP. Fie uppon ’em
all; they are Voluses Anualls, mais quoy vanno
via manniconia. But I have some worthy of whatsoer price you name. The
Naggish Prologue: Or The Metamorphosis of Messy Davy de Dromedariis.
And the same author’s Dinner Drivel, and The Quarrel of Messy
Davy with
Archy of the Archives, likewise his Syn-Coriatick Journeys.
825
TRI. Both the
one booke and the other will fly heavenward “tosd up by a
shaken blankett.”
CUP. But I have
some other of my own composing, as Cupes upon
the Arte of Drincking, Cupes upon Delicate Fare, revised, augmented, and
purged of many errours, with additions and comentaryes. And Cupes on 830
the Cupidity for Delicacyes.
TRI. Art thou soe
poore, and yet for delicate fare?
CUP. Tush, I hate
these neat toung flatterers. When I have mony I eat
the choisest meat I can gett.
TRI. Cupes, “you
must not desire a barbell when you have but a
835
gudgeon in your purse.”
CUP. Howsoever,
would I had one.
TRI. What wouldst
doe with it? Thou art noe cooke.
CUP. I have been
one, and a thousand trades beside. When I was a young
man, I was a stage player at Parris. 840
TRI. I’faith
I am glad of that, for thou must act many parts to day.
CUP. Att Venice
I serv’d one that made little sugar cakes, and there we
baked divers sortes of wafer, biskett, cracknell, and iumball.
TRI I see then
thou knowst how to lick thy fingers.
CUP. Att Tolousa
I was a drawer of wine (which of all trades I lik’d best) and 845
sipt very moderately, not above three or foure gallons a day. At length the
pipes
leaked, my master crackt, and I fled into Holland where I went about with an
ape in a iackett; and at Rome I led a blind man.
TRI.
I beleeve he paid you with blind obedience.
CUP. In Rome, Trico,
he that is most obedient is most blind. 850
TRI. But what did
you in England?
CUP. Oh la
bonne biere d’Angleterre, there I was first a sowgelder and
carry’d a horne up and down the country. Afterward I went to London to
the Inns of Court, and there I was an undeributler.
TRI. Were you never
in Spaine? 855
CUP. Noe indeed.
TRI. How soe?
CUP. Three sweete
grapes would not supp me, Trico.
TRI. Well, but
doe you remember what I told you even now?
CUP. That I should
change my clothes and feigne my selfe one Torcol. 860
TRI. Thats very
right, Cupes.
CUP. Noe, ’tis
crooked, Trico. Am I not a good mimick thinke you? And
afterwards I must counterfeit Ignoramus clerke.
TRI. But if Ignoramus
should come himselfe, remember the horne.
CUP. Ha, ha, none
of them ever knew me in England. 865
TRI. And when
you are dress’d you will be more unknowne, but we must
dress your wife too, and she must imitate Rosabella. I know shee’le doe
well enough.
CUP. I if one
could ever perswade her too’t, but shee is something
pettish and froppish. Shee’le scold and fight too upon a small occasion.
Shee 870
beates me, Trico.
TRI. What, is she
a fury?
CUP. I tell you
if she be once moov’d she is like all the furyes in one.
TRI. If I had
three such wives I’d give two of them to the devill upon one
condition. 875
CUP. Upon what
condition, Trico?
TRI. That he would
fetch away the third.
CUP. He should
have her with all my heart.
TRI. But looke
you, here’s that will bring you both too’t, eight golden
peeces, my boy. 880
CUP. Give ’em
me, and ile carry ’em to Danae my golden wife.
TRI. Here, but
prithee, Cupes, by thy bowells —
CUP. Most piously
prayed!
TRI. — have
but a care of this.
CUP. I warrant
you my care, Trico. 885
TRI.Then Ile goe
fetch some clothes for you and your wife. Hide you here
abouts till I come agin. If needs must, weave some schemes from the thing
we have a-borning.
CUP. My endeavor
shall not be wanting, and when we have done, you
shall sup with me. 890
TRI. I
accept your courtesy, adieu. [Exit.]
CUP. Farewell.
Now Ile goe call my wife and perswade her with this,
for without it nothing can be done. I know shee’le grumble at me like
a catt
at a mouse, but Ile give her good words. Hoe, my wife Polla, hoe, Polla, Polla.
POLLA, CUPES
POL. ”Polla,
Polla,” wherefore skreame you out soe? Are you drunck? 895
CUP. Would I were,
my deare Polla. I have not drank a dropp of wine to day.
POL. What doe you
stay here for, you filthy glutton? Have you sould our
bookes to day, and brought me any mony trow?
CUP. Noe truly.
POL. “Noe
truly,” Ile noe you truly. 900
CUP. The devill
of these scurvy authors, they writt such bookes noe body
would buy ’em.
POL. Thou art a
scurvy base knave; thou hast pawnd thy bookes to the wine
merchentes, as thou didst my clothes.
CUP. Thus is my
habitt, my Phillis, and you paid me well for it.
905
POL. And Ile pay
thee, and pay thee agin. I must stay at home and pick
woll or famish, when you for sooth keep your randivous at the tavernes
liquoring your gutts with wine, you sott. But lett me see thee set one foot
in
a taverne, and by this hand Ile —
CUP. Not one foot
in a taverne? 910
POL. I have said
it.
CUP. O my little
Tullia, kill me presently. What wine wilt drink, my little
heart? Prithee tell me, my little ducke.
POL. Leave off
your flatteryes, and if you does not fetch me my clothes
agin, Ile — 915
CUP. My little
golden eye, thou shalt have them all agin; look you what
here is.
POL. Where hadst
that, my deare husband?
CUP. Now I am “deare
husband.” See what gold can doe. Wouldst thou have
halfe on’t? 920
POL. Yes, my sweet
love.
CUP. O the dissemulation
of women! Well, wife, Ile give thee halfe if thou
wilt doe one thing for me.
POL. What is it,
husband?
CUP. Nothing, but
to use a friend well. 925
POL. O villanous
man that would put his wife to use! What, a bawd to
thine own wife?
CUP. You mistake
me, woman.
POL. What if I
changed you from Cupes to Cornelius?
CUP. Then I would
change you from Polla to Cornelia. 930
POL. Prithee say,
which woulst be, Publius or Tacitus?
CUP. Oh, Cornelius
Tacitus. But I need not feare it, for I think noe man will
be in hast to meddle with such a foule queane, ha, he.
POL. A foule queane?
Dost gerne, thou wittoll thou?
CUP.
My faire wife, thou still mistakest my meaning.
935
POL. What is it
then?
CUP. Can you dress
your selfe and looke like another woman?
POL. Yes marry
I can.
CUP. And be brought
to one Pecus?
POL. Aye. 940
CUP. He won’t
put you out of countenance, feare nothing.
POL. Should I feare
a man that have beat many soe often?
CUP. I am sure
I have had it often.
POL. Come, my Cupes,
give me the mony, and Ile doe my best.
CUP. Here, take
these two peeces and when you have done I will give you 945
two more.
POL. Agreed, but
when I am absent looke that you bring none of your
drabs into my house agin, as you are wont.
CUP. O iealous
woman, thou knowest I sleep with thee every night.
POL. I know you
sleep indeed, but I had rather you waked; lett me take you 950
with any of your whores and by heaven, earth and Hell, Ile —
CUP. Don’t
sweare.
POL. Ile dragg ’em into the streets by their hair, I’ll beat ’em so they’ll
never lifte their leggs agin.
CUP. Truly, wife,
you shall ne’ere catch me with worse than your selfe. 955
POL. Uppon that
condition Ile doe what youle have me.
CUP. Letts goe
in then, my sweet Phillis, and there Ile tell thee more. [Exeunt.]
ANTONIUS, TRICO, PYROPUS, CUPES
ANT. Trico, I
like the plott well.
TRI. Pyropus the
broker will be here with the clothes presently.
ANT. But how shall
we pay for them? 960
TRI. That’s
a point must be thought on too.
ANT. And I have
given thee all my mony already.
TRI. Have you noe
kind of iewell nor ring, sir?
ANT. Not any.
TRI. But Trico
has a ring. 965
ANT. Has he soe?
A counterfeit, I warrant.
TRI. It is a St.
Martins your owne country man but daintily gilt and sett
of with a beautifull carbuncle.
ANT. I marry, sir,
this is something like.
TRI. A pure glass
cuningly wrought, it will deceive the best iudgments, 970
uppon my word, sir.
ANT. Give it me
then.
TRI. Here, sir,
take it and weare it upon that finger; and make as if you
esteem’d it at a very high price, and perchance it will take a foole.
St,
peace, here he comes. Pyropus, God save you. 975
PYR. And you also.
Hem, boy bring the clothes a Monsieur.
ANT. Come, be briefe,
for I have much busines.
PYR. Quick, quick,
sirrah, give me ’em, you lazy Jack. I will be bound sir,
there is neare a man in all Burdeux can shew you better ware or more choise;
see here, sir. 980
TRI. This sute
will fitt your iourney, sir.
PYR. Fitt, upon
my word, see the workman-shippe!
TRI. These Cupes
shall have, and these his wife Polla, and we may have
use for these too.
PYR. I have brought
all that were bespoken. 985
ANT. Come come,
dispatch and tell me your lowest price.
TRI. Sett your
price of these by themselves.
PYR. Shall I make
but a word with you truly?
ANT. Duce why
don’t
you speake, then?
PYR. Shall I speake
at once? 990
ANT. Oh thy delayes
kill me.
PYR. Veryly and
in good trueth, you shall give me two peeces in one word.
ANT. Two peeces?
PYR. And truly
I canot afford them soe but that I have need of mony, truly.
TRI. You know it
is an honest mans case, master. 995
ANT. Aye, truly.
TRI. Pray lett
him have it, truly.
ANT. He shall,
truly.
PYR.
If you take them altogether you shall have them for eighty crownes.
TRI. He sayes well,
truly. 100
PYR. I dare not
trust without a pawne.
TRI. No need, he
is one of the cheifest about towne.
ANT. What, dost
thou doubt me?
PYR. No, truly,
sir, but it is the custome of our trade to require a pawne
where there is noe mony. 1005
ANT. I have a ring
here, but is of too high a price.
TRI. ’Sfoot,
not your diamond, I hope.
ANT. The very same,
Trico.
TRI. Why, that’s
worth threee times as much as the clothes.
PYR. Pray lett
me have that, sir. 1010
ANT. Its of a great
price and who will warrant me I shall have it agin?
PYR. Indeed sir,
I keepe a shopp heere.
TRI. Soe he does,
truly.
ANT. But if thou’lt
not trust a man of my quality, wherefore should I
trust thee? 1015
PYR. I know not
what to say to you; Ile take home my ware again.
TRI. Pray, master,
trust him, he is a very honest man, truly. I have knowne
him a long time.
PYR. Aye, sir,
you know me, truly.
TRI. I doe know
him, truly. 1020
ANT. Well then,
upoon thy word he shall have it, Trico.
PYR. Oh how it
sparkles, truly.
TRI. It sparkles
truly, “with golden fire.”
PYR. God b’wee,
sir.
TRI. But heare
you, you must lett your boy carry these things to the next 1025
street.
PYR. At what signe,
sir?
TRI. At the Anchor.
PYR. He shall,
truly.. [Exit.]
TRI. Farewell,
my truly-simple. 1030
ANT. I hope, Trico,
we shall speed as well with the rest; but what if Ignoramus
should come now?
TRI. Wele scare
him off some how. You only stand watch hard by.
ANT. Ile watch
him narrowly, Trico.
TRI. Cupes and
I shall lye in wait. 1035
ANT. But suppose
my father should come, how then?
TRI. Ile teach
you a trick for him to anon; but pray sir, goe dress your selfe.
ANT. I will.
TRI. If any thinge
happen otherwise then well, take it patiently, for fortune
will have her own way. 1040
ANT. Doe not fore-speake
her, she has been very favourable hitherto,
but prithee come to me as soone as thou canst, for without thee I am as
a blinde man without a guid.
TRI. Ile be with
you, sir, presently. Hoe, Cupes, take these. Dresse you
with all speed. 1045
CUP. Lett me alone,
have you a care for the rest. [Exit.]
TRI. But who’s
that? My loving friend Musaeus, my profest friend, who said
he’ll give me ayde. Ile pick something out of him too, as heretofore
I have.
MUSAEUS, TRICO
MUS. Would too
God my father had broke his neck when he put me to
serve such a simple master as Ignoramus! Whatsoever I say or doe, he 1050
presently cryes out “How clumsy you act! I’ve seene your ackademicall
carridge, you canot ride a horse, nor put a bridle on one, nor doe you know
how to mend a broken cincture. What good now those syllogismes you cracke,
you learned asse?”
TRI. Oh Musaeus,
how dost thou? 1055
MUS. Very well,
Trico, but I am troubled with a base master. Would
thou knewst but some way to punish him.
TRI. What’s
the matter?
MUS. He makes me
as dull as a bittle with his foolish talke.
TRI. He is eloquent
and quick witted, is he not? 1060
MUS. Such there
are of his profession; but he is none of them. He disputes
all thinges in the wrong sense, and does all things soe perversly that many
times hee’le put his capp upon’s feet, and his hose uppon’s
head.
TRI. He has a ridiculous
head, then.
MUS. Trico, Ile
give thee a riddle to unfold: a riddle, a riddle. What’s 1065
that that hath two grasping handes and two faces, that speakes much, yet sayes
nothing,
that iests in earnest and is earnest in iesting; that speakes both English and
Saxon, and French and Latin, yet speakes neither English nor Saxon,
nor French nor Latin; that prescribs lawes to prevent quibbles, and
invents quibbles to maintaine lawes,that makes that which is finite infinite,
1070
that makes a lye of that that is true, and makes it true that is a lye?
TRI. Does he make
that a lye which is true? It is Beelzebub Cydonius.
MUS. It is and
it is not.
TRI. That loves
to speake in an unknowne toung, that’s the Pope.
MUS. Something
like, but not that. 1075
TRI. Oh dull am
I, why now I have it.
MUS. What is it,
now?
TRI. ’Tis
thy master Ignoramus.
MUS. I thinke thou
art an Oedipus.
TRI. Who begott
this monster? 1080
MUS. His father
was Franco Soloecophones, his mother Mistress
Barbara Latina.
TRI. Where was
he borne?
MUS. In Great Puritania.
TRI. In what burg?
1085
MUS. Either Goldingham
or Silverton.
TRI. On what does
he feede?
MUS. He feedes
on Commonlawe Juicetice.
TRI. Is he not
learned? Knowes he the Seven Liberall Artes?
MUS. Seven? He
knowes all his letters. 1090
TRI. God’s
blood, all?
MUS.
Be they four and twenty in all.
TRI. A rarity among
men!
MUS.
Aye there are butt few of his like. Yet
There is noe calling
but has wise and foolish; 1095
I ever thought
it an uncharittable thing
That only for the
sakes of two or three
The whole order
should be censured (which we find
To usuall now a
dayes), for I know many
Of his profession,
very iudiciall men, 1100
Eminent for their
learning, and indeed
Those are the men
that should be honored.
For there’s
noe greater enemy to knowledge
Then Ignoramus;
this he and such as hee
That overthrows
all lawfull goverment. 1105
And church and —
TRI. Wee have
enough of them, fare ’em well.
MUS. Nay, lett ’em
rather be off to Plagueton.
TRI. Peace, or
thou wilt be ill thought on.
MUS. By none but
Ignoramus, and I care not this rush what he thinkes, or 1110
thinkes not.
TRI. Yet ’tis
not well to bring such a man uppon the stage.
MUS. Why the whole
would is but a stage play.
TRI. Enough of
philosophizing, Musaeus; but prithee tell me what is
thy master Ignoramus doing? 1115
MUS. I left him
telling his mony, and he meanes to come presently to Torcol.
TRI. Now, I am
utterly undone then.
MUS. I thought
good to certefy of it, howsoever.
TRI. A murrain
on that you told me noe sooner; pray run with all the hast
you can to Cupes and bid him remember the horne. 1120
MUS. What is that?
TRI. Nay, run quickly,
he knowes what it is; and bid him tell Antonius,
they stay both together expecting to heare from me.
MUS. Ile away;
I wish I might doe some mischiefe in this. [Exit.]
TRI. Unless Cupes
come instantly the busines will be all spoild. ’Sfoot 1125
here comes Ignoramus.
IGNORAMUS with his mony, TRICO
IGN. Here is hard
mony, here are the six hundred crownes which I indented
with Torcol for my sweet heart Rosabella.
TRI He has brought
the mony; there is noe hopes for mee.
IGN. If I live,
my Rosabella, my bright starr, Ile dance the old measures
1130
with thee to night.
TRI. How well these
men watch!
IGN. Here is the
indenture and obligation of Rodrigo Torcol, Ile goe to
him now in propria persona.
TRI. Oh how they
linger! I must keep him here a little with some trifling 1135
discourse. God save you, sir.
IGN. Sirrah, what
art thou, hah?
TRI. I have spent
my whole estate in law, sir. I am a poore man.
IGN. O, in forma
pauperis, away, away.
TRI. Pray sir,
lett me intreat your counsell. 1140
IGN. My counsell?
Oh, your mony.
TRI. This Cerberus
must have a morsell, and I have nothing but a little brass
mony. Ile try if he will fasten upon it. Indeed, sir, I am a very poore man.
IGN. You know the
law, sirrah, the worde of a pauper countes for naught.
TRI. I have a wife
and six bairnes. 1145
IGN. If you’re
a pauper, then why’d you marrie?
TRI. Sir, I know
by your habitt you are a man of causes and controversyes,
therfore I beseech you heare mine, and I will give you this, sir, ’tis
all I have about me.
IGN. Oh well, well,
have you ioyned issue?
TRI. Issue? A
mischeife on’t, what shall I say now? Yes sir, issue, issue. 1150
IGN. Declare.
TRI. I had a father
once, and his name was Grunnio, sonne to Verris, whose
grandfather was Coglyon.
IGN. His quondam
grandfather.
TRI. You say right,
sir, his quondam grandfather, but quondam uncle to my 1155
quondam grandmother’s sister, and was nephew to my fathers quondam
aunt.
IGN. Well said,
quondam. Allons.
TRI. He bequeathed
me in his will a black horse, but he was somewhat
curtaild, for to tell you the trueth he had ne’re a taile. But what now?
Oh,
now whither he may lawfully put a nettle in it, thats the case. 1160
IGN. Specially
entailed, he could not do it by the law.
TRI. But he did
it, and the poore iade did soe kick and shake’s heeles.
IGN. Take heed
of that.
TRI. Naw, he kill’d
deere and pheasants too.
IGN. O, damage
faisant, here will be a demurrer. 1165
TRI. Beside, he
made lying almanacks, for I remember when it haild.
IGN. A good circumstance,
will make well for thee.
TRI. (Oh these
lazie folkes, not come yett!) He did not only put a nettle to
his taile, but repleivd his mouth all full of pepper.
IGN.
Replevin in such a case will not hold.
1170
TRI. I should
thinke soe; besides he would faine have stolne the white horse’s copious —
IGN. O copitias
you say? There’s a statute for that in Tertio Richardi primi:
a manne may crop, lop, and chop copses.
TRI. Yet he would
not allow it; but I lost ’im the same yeare. But ’tis
well. What thinke you of it now? (Oh yee snailes, make hast or wee are undone.)
1175
IGN. Whether or
noe was that black chevall thy chattle personall?
TRI. Chattle, truly
he was a chattle, but I feare the peper.
IGN. In very trueth,
that’s the point, for this is thy case: if John a Nokes
infoeffs John Stiles of black acre, and John a Stiles has posession of black
acre
and of white acre, in that case all is voyd, all, all. 1180
TRI. Sure they
are asleepe; but snorting the peper did soe sting him that it
made him start and leap and farte.
IGN. Nay then,
when I snort I leap and farte; feare nothing. Ile warrant
your cause, ’tis sound possession.
TRI. But I feare
the peper. 1185
IGN. I tell thee
thou needst not; thou shall have a subpena for him only,
and if he doe not restore thy black chevall and white chevall with
fatt costs
and damages, say that Ignoramus has noe law
TRI. I thanke you,
sir.
IGN. Farwell, for
I have much busines to doe to day. 1190
TRI. But sir, for
this counsell you have given me I beseech you accept a
little of mine which may happen for your good. If you are Ignoramus (as
I thinke you are), run away with all the speed you can.
IGN. Hah? Must
I run away? For what?
TRI. You love one
Rosabella here fast by, doe you not? 1195
IGN. What then?
TRI. There is one
Antonius mightily.in love with her, and he has made
a vow in my hearing that if ever he catch Ignoramus he will geld him.
IGN. Hee is but
in iest.
TRI. Pray be gone,
and take heed in earnest, for he is a desperate man, 1200
and has cutt many.
IGN. Thou hast
put me in bodily feare, and because I am a stranger
here, I am the more affraid. See, “the tale is in the wolfe.”
TRI. He is come at last.
ANTONIUS, CUPES, IGNORAMUS, TRICO
ANT. Where’s
that old fornicatour here that would have my mistresse? 1205
If I catch him Ile geld him like a goate.
TRI. Hoe you heare
that?
IGN. I, but does
he use to doe as he sayes.
TRI. Aye, that
he does.
IGN. I see he is
not well in his witts. Ile have a writ for him. 1210
ANT. I have hired
one to geld this fellw, hee’l be here presently.
IGN. O client,
I am in a sweating feare. [Cupes sounds his horne within.]
CUP. Trin — tran —
IGN. I heare him
now.
CUP. Trin — tran — 1215
IGN. I begin to
tremble, clyent, what shall I doe?
CUP. Trin — tran —
TRI. Hide behind
me quickly, quickly, that they may not see you, creepe
close for your llife, close.
CUP. Come, what
must be done now? I have all thinges ready here. 1220
ANT. Hoe, hoe,
you, did you not see a certain lawyer here of late?
IGN. Tell ’em
I am gone to London.
TRI. He is gone
to London, sir.
ANT. We were told
but iust now he was here.
IGN. Tell ’em
then he is gone home. 1225
TRI. Then he is
gone home.
ANT. But this shall
not serve his turne.
IGN. Clyent, clyent,
goe sideling that I may if it be possible make an escape.
TRI. Close then,
close.
CUP. Looke look
how he goes there, what’s the matter? 1230
ANT. God iudge
me, here lyes the lawyer hid, how dare you do this
you nausidicus?
IGN. Where’s
your testatum est latitare?
ANT. Then you shall
die intestate, letts goe inside.
CUP. Weele have
you into the court. 1235
IGN. I charge you
in the kings name to keepe the peace.
ANT. Hold your
bawling.
TRI. Sir, hee is
my counsellor, I beseech you.
ANT. It’s
but a folly to intreat us, we are resolved.
IGN. Oh what shall
I say then? Will you not look in the almanack, sir? 1240
ANT. Why soe?
IGN.
I’faith, I feare the signe is in Scorpio.
ANT. Truly it is
very dangerous.
IGN. How if I
should dye within a yeare and a day, I’d make you both
smart for’t. Beware what yo doe I’d wish you. 1245
ANT. All you can
say is to noe purpose.
IGN. What then,
will you iudge me case unhearde?
CUP. You shall
be iudged by your paires.
IGN. I beseech
you
ANT. If we should
lett him goe safe hee’l be here agin presently. 1250
IGN. O clyent,
baile me, baile me, I beseech you baile me.
TRI. At my perill
if he bee.
IGN. By heaven,
if ever I return, or if ever you catch me here agin, take
my Spanish friends.
TRI. What, doe
you run away now? [He runs away.] 1255
CUP. Follow, follow,
where is he fleeing.
IGN. Now I am
safe and sound Ile show you a trick o’ th’ law; Ile not
come my selfe because I have sworne, but I will send my clerke Dulman
for Rosabella, which shall be as well.
CUP. Hee’s
fled, ha ha he. 1260
TRI. Ha ha he.
ANT. Ha ha he.
TRI. Oh you watch’d
well, both of you.
CUP. I was hard
at hand and heard all your merry talke and I thought
I should have burst with laughing. Now the timorous wretch will send 1265
his clerke for Rosabella.
TRI. Therefore,
Cupes, goe you presently and gett your wife dres’d
like Rosabella, and dresse your selfe to counterfeit Torcol.
CUP. ’Tis
done already [Exit Cupes.]
TRI. Sir, lett
us goe, and Ile tell you the rest of my plott by the way; 1270
now wee’le to the painters.
ANT. What shall
we doe there?
TRI. He must lay
a little mole on your cheek; lett’s goe, sir, and I
will tell you what must be done if you chance to meet your father. [Exeunt.]