To see a commentary note, click on a blue square. To see the Latin text, click on a green square.  

FIRST PROLOGUE  
CURSOR, THE MUSES’ JADE (TO WIT, DAVY DRUMMOND), EQUISO

 CUR. Has anyone seen the Muses’jade here? When I was lately passing by
Nag’s Fount, the Muses asked that I make search. I was despatched to hunt for
him in one direction; and in another the man who tends him, Equiso.
  EQU. Have you heard anything of the horse, boy?
  CUR. Nothing more, Equiso. So it’s best if you make a proclamation. 5 
  EQU. Good advice. Oiez oiez, the Muses’jade has lately gone astray,
Davy Drummond by name, who is half-human and wholly naggish, a two-headed
beast with a huge bald head, very long ears, red snout, gaping mouth,
protruding lips, short ruddy mane, flayed back, ulcerous in his hind legs,
piebald, with a round spot on his rump: if some man will return him or 10 
state his whereabouts, he shall enter into his good graces, and into all the
mares he wants.
  CUR. Come how, he’s a fine stallion. [Enter the nag.]
  EQU. Lo, the evil thing is here. Hey boy, let’s both seize him.
  CUR. Oh he’s a fierce kicker! 15 
  EQU. Working from either side, let’s drive him into this corner. Gently
lad, let’s make clucking noises to soothe him.
  BOTH Ho ho ho ho ho, ho Messe, ho Davy, ho Messe Davy, ho Drummond,
ho Messe Davy Drummond, ho Messe Davy, ho Drummond, ho.
  CUR. Ah, you rascally beast, do you want to run off? Now you’re not Davy 20 
Drummond but a dromedary.
  CUR. So I’d like to see this Davy Drummond consigned to the mill.
  EQU. And you’re biting too?
  CUR. And you’re kicking?
  EQU. Are you trying to rupture yourself? Calm yourself or — ha ha he. 25 
Just now, as I was leading him to the Muses’font to water him, all of a
sudden he broke into a trot and announced he wanted to act the
Prologue. For when he was an impudent human he adored assemblies
of the great, which now he even more impudently pursues as a beast.
  CUR. You’re describing a monstrosity. 30 
  EQU. He was human, but since as a human he had no more sense than a
horse, the angry Muses (whom he daily vexed) transformed him into a
horsey man.
  HORSE You evil thing, do you want to costume me as if I were a
donkey? Still, I’ll act the Prologue. 35 
  EQU. You the Prologue? And a Latin one?
  HORSE Why not? Am I not fluent in all languages, Greek, Latin,
French, Spanish, Italian, German, Polish?
  EQU. He only whinnies well, he says nothing.
  HORSE And furthermore, I have often received letters from princes’40 
ambassadors, with whom I have lived on familiar terms. For though I am
a horse, I’m a political horse.
  EQU. And once an ecclesiastical one, namely the Dean of Dunstable.
  HORSE And that for free, without simony. And I am learned, for
once I was locked up in a library for a while day: indeed, I debated 45 
with a horse doctor for a degree, to great applause, and now I hope to
be a graduate.
  CUR. Indeed, you’ll be promoted from horse to ass.
  HORSE Are you unaware that Caligula bestowed a consulship on
his horse Incitatus, and gave him a purple blanket? 50 
  EQU. Incitatus was a noble swift steed but you are a slow-foot
dobbin.
  HORSE I, who have wandered so many regions so frequently, mostly
without traveling-money? I challenge the swift-footed horses of all the
nobles here present to a race, either Puppy or Franklin, or Peppercorn, or 55 
Crop-Ear, or Snowball, or Saucy Jack, Freak, Spaniard, Peg With A
Lantern, Strawberries And Cream, tutti quanti, either at Royston race-
course, or at Brackley, Garterly, Croyden, Theobald’s, wherever. And
unless I claim the winner’s bell, you may dock my tail. Nor do I defer
to any horse, either prophetic or magical, if you want conjurations, 60 
predictions, divinations. For I’m a cabbalistic critter.
  CUR. So tell me who here is in love with a pretty girl.
  HORSE I can do that with my eyes closed.
  CUR. Go on, say who.
  HORSE The greater part of the audience, especially those who are 65 
not laughing.
  EQU. You yourself were once desperately in love.
  HORSE Rather I was desperately loved, for most pretty girls hoped
to be familiar with me.
  EQU. He’s telling the truth, for once out of affection his mistress 70 
emptied her familiar chamber pot over his head. But come on, tell us more:
will there be any humor in this comedy?
  HORSE Of course there’ll be humor, if humor there’ll be.
  EQU. But will it please? Speak up.
  HORSE It will please these people, if only it pleases. 75 
  EQU. But what will the talk be about the play?
  HORSE That you can see a better play at London for a groat any day,
that here the comedians break comedy’s rules.
  EQU. And the verdict about the actors?
  HORSE That academicians make rotten actors. 80 
  EQU. Which of the actors will have the biggest clique?
  HORSE Who but Davy Drummond, the world-famous quadruped?
  EQU. Why so?
  HORSE A good horse always has a following.
  EQU. He thinks he’s witty, as if he were a second Sextus Caballus. 85 
  CUR. “He who plays with dull insolence, he is not Sextus, but
rather a hack.”
  EQU. [To the audience.] Will anybody buy this silly horse now?
  CUR. Allow me to inspect him. [He looks in his mouth like a horse
courser.] Phooh! He’s ancient, yet he has a pretty little tail and a brawny 90 
rump.
  HORSE My tail is pretty enough, I use it to keep flies away from the
Muses.
  EQU. You yourself are a fly, since you fly to other men’s tables un-
invited. 95 
  CUR. You’re hateful and worthless. Get him off.
  HORSE But first I’ll act the Prologue.
  EQU. Let’s go, there’s no need. For those who first appear on the stage
will explain the plot.
  HORSE But they’ll tell it in seriousness. 100 
  EQU. But after Scene One, which summarizes the plot, scarcely
anything serious will be enacted.
  HORSE But let them say that the scene is set at Bourdeaux (where I
was once myself), and that you will play the part of Surda the deaf dwarf.
  EQU. And for that reason I’m all the better off, for I won’t hear if 105 
anybody gives me catcalls.
  HORSE And that the title is Ignoramus.
  CUR. For we are ignorant of the nature or quality of this comedy,
until he in whose sole hands lies drama’s doubtful destiny makes his
pronouncement. 110 
  HORSE And indeed that I myself will be the Prologue, for lawyer
Ignoramus and I are kindred.
  EQU. Indeed, for both of your speak barbarously.
  CUR. This horse here seems the more barbarous, and so you will
scarcely belong to the Muses, but rather to barbarous Ignoramus. 115 
  HORSE Even against your will I’ll act the Prologue yet.
  EQU. Impudent talk! You’re still the Prologue? The Prologue you?
I’ll — [They beat him.]
  HORSE I know my strength and my seductions. I’ll act it.
  CUR. Let him, and if he doesn’t act it well, take action to throw him 120 
off our stage.
  EQU. Begin.
  HORSE Inasmuch as — Inasmuch as —
  EQU. “Inasmuch as”? How comically spoken! Are you thus stumbling
on the threshold? “Inasmuch as”? 125 
  HORSE Inasmuch as comedy is a mirror of human life, and in
the comedies of the ancients, gentlemen of the jury, there is no little
wit (which I know is not wanting in myself), namely, which is to say, for
example — Pindar.
  EQU. Thus you make like Pindar? Silence, horse-face. What are you 130 
pondering now?
  HORSE. As I often ponder the Prologue —
  EQU. I’ll make you act the Epilogue.
  CUR. Hustle him off, he’s stubborn and unmanageable.
  EQU. But I’ll give this stubbornness a thumping. 135 
  HORSE O the times, o morality! Where may I turn me, gentlemen of
the jury, in this degenerate age of Prologues?
  EQU. You’re still making noise? Won’t you depart? En allons.
  HORSE “I wet my lips in the Nag’s Spring, taught to sing the Muses’
tune, a master of arts and dispensor of genius,” Davy Drummond himself. 140 
  CUR. “Davy throws everything into confusion.”
  EQU. But I’ll make you keep still and obey. Hold him, boy, while I fit a
restraining bit on his muzzle. [They put barnacles on his nose.] Hem, well
done. Now you’re quiet, now act the Prologue!
  HORSE I’ll be the Prologue nevertheless. 145 
  CUR. O what an clever, witty Prologue!
  HORSE Right, if I don’t report this to the Muses —
  EQU. But today the Muses threatened to drive you off with pitchforks.
So I’ll lead you to Ignoramus, henceforth he’ll ride you. [Exeunt Caballus
and Equiso.] 150 
  CUR. “Forgive this stuff, written in a hurry, Caesar: who hastens to
please you ought not to displease.”

 

SECOND PROLOGUE
A POST BOY, DULMAN, IGNORAMUS, MESSE DAVY, CASPAR SCHOPPIUS, A WITNESS

A trumpet sounds.

BOY Trin — tran — Yield, make way. I’m the post boy, sent to you here from
London to announce that Ignoramus is not to be acted, nor can it be. Don’t
gawk at me, the thing is as I have said. You ask the reason? None of the lawyers
will wish to lend Ignoramus his gown. For lately an injunction has been handed
down, namely an injunction that only lawyers are to enjoy immunity in the 5 
theater. Therefore this screed bids you to rise to your feet and depart. Spectators,
this play has been acted. Give your applause and farewell.
DUL. What? “Give your applause?” What’s this? Has our play now come to
a non suite? Oh, I see the post. Hey, postman, postman, have you brought a gown?
BOY Oh Dulman, hardly, Dulman, hardly. A gown can’t be had for any 10 
price or prayer.
DUL. Why?
BOY Besides the fact that it is prohibited, now offerings of countless
gowns are being offered to the great god Terminus, to whom none defer.
DUL. Hum, hum, hum, vous avez letters for me, no? 15 
BOY. I carry these for you, and those for your master Ignoramus.
DUL. Hum, hum, hum, here’s news, I know. You give that letter to
my master, while I read my own.
BOY I’ll do so. [Exit post boy.]
DUL. [Reading the letter’s address.] “Dulman Junior, who is a under- 20 
clerk of Ignoramus Junior, the brother of Ignoramus Senior, to that very
dull man his uncle Dulman Senior, who is senior clerk to Ignoramus Senior,
S. P. D.”
What’s this S. P. D.? Oh, speed. Oh oh, now it has arrived by the post with
speed. [Opening the letter, he reads.] 25 
“If you are engrossing documents, it is well; I myself am engrossing documents.
Let men of the present and the future know, uncle Dulman, that common
report among us has it that Ignoramus is a gross play. And my master says
that he has thumbed through all his books (for he owns a few) and has
discovered that it is ipso facto a rowdy and riotous play. Wherefore the 30 
aforementioned who wanted to geld Ignoramus, or who tied him up with
cords and ropes, especially Trico, Cupes, and Cola, will come before the
Star Chamber for a terrible riot. He avers that he has three benefices,
which he would have given gratis to the aforementioned (which I do not
believe), but says that those who will now receive them will pay for them in 35 
full and in hard cash, in lieu of those fellows. He furthermore says that it
is a great jeofaile to make a common fool out of a common lawyer (who
is accustomed to make common fools out of other men), and another jeofaile
to make him speak Latin at Bourdeaux, which he cannot do either there or
here. But if they perform his prohibited play again, we will make most 40 
gallant ballads out of it, better than those we have already made (although
these are super-fine and count for us in our suit against Cambridge,
even if many say they are asinine and scurrilous, and therefore fitly
condemned as heretical in a recent council at Oxford). Good, good, I
know what I know. In the name of your dulmannishness I request you, 45 
uncle Dulman, to reveal what I write to none of the aforementioned.”
To none? But I’ve told it to all of you. Stupid nephew, couldn’t he
have written this at the beginning? But, I beg you, let there be a nihil
dicit about this. Now I shall say no more to you about this matter.
[Enter post boy.] 50 
BOY I gave the letter to Ignoramus. But why this apparatus?
DUL. Oh, it’s for the examination of two great rogues in the
presence of my master Ignoramus.
BOY Who are they?
DUL. One Gaspar Schioppius and one Davy Drummond. 55 
BOY So is Ignoramus able to pass judgment?
DUL. He is not a judge but nevertheless he judges. For he is no
magistrate or justice of the peace, but rather is deputized to conduct
this examination.
BOY Let it happen. [Exit post boy.] 60
IGN. Sirrah, sirrah, what is your real name, sirrah?
MES. Davy Drummond.
IGN. Alias Davy Drummond, sirrah. For you were arrested previously
you said that your name was not Davy Drummond but rather Messe Davy,
and thus you made your escape, hah? Doubly named, doubly nefarious. 65 
Dulman, read the charges.
DUL. Imprimis they allege that you, Davy Drummond, recently, when
arrayed in warlike fashion, did assault the spectators of Ignoramus with
kickings and friskings, and with a horrendous snip-snap, snip-snap sound,
to the terrification of our sovereign lord’s loyal people and causing the 70 
death of infants.
IGN. Hah, what say you to this, sirrah?
MES. It was somebody who looked like me, for I was not present
when Ignoramus was performed. It is common knowledge that I was drunk
that night. 75 
IGN. Oho, you are a drunken rascal and a liar, you yourself were
there.
MES. I was and yet I wasn’t.
IGN. But sirrah, sirrah, did you not then and there challenge the king’s
horse, which is petty treason, sirrah? 80 
MES. I only challenged the grandees’horses.
IGN. Oh make a note, Dulman, scandalization of the grandees’horses.
DUL.“Scandalization of the grandees’horses.”
IGN. You are a horse, Saucy Jack by name, and you once took the 85 
wall from the sovereign.
MES. How opportunely! I remember I did so, when I was teaching
him how to receive ambassadors.
DUL. Master, I think you can have a writ for examining a half-wit,
for once he wanted to be the Dean of Dunstable. If you wish, I know the 90 
law.
IGN. Oh you, you know the law, not I! Will you teach me what I
should say? You are two half-wits. Good, I will conduct the examination.
Sirrah, what’s the difference between fools by nature and fools by art?
MES. The same difference as between myself and Archy, or between 95 
Ignoramus and Dulman.
IGN. Ho, I perceive that you are a greater rascal than a fool, sirrah,
and yet you are a great and arrogant fool. For you even dared tilt with
the king’s fool.
MES. Like with like. 100 
IGN. Messy Davy, do you know what petty treason is, Messe Davy?
MES. What petty treason, Dulman?
IGN. But, sirrah, is it not true that you wrote to the Pope in Latin
asking that he make you a Cardinal?
MES. Yes, and I would have been one, had I written good grammar. 105 
IGN. Good grammar? Make a note, Dulman, that he coined
counterfeit Latin and transported it across the sea, contrary to the
statute provided and published for that situation.
DUL. Therefore, master, his counterfeit Latin will be confiscated for
our use. 110 
IGN. Allow me, I will exercise my rank in this matter. Sirrah, how
much of it do you have?
MES. Plenty, but not enough for you.
IGN. Right, I perceive that you are a notorious malefactor, and I
will make certification to the magistrate, writing that he should pass sentence 115 
on you in the following form and manner. First, if you come to Court
you be thrown up tossed in a blanket; if you ever fall in love you have
a codpiece sewn on your back, and thus you will dance as once you did
at Geneva; and that you will be a vagabond, and never have any land,
nor master, nor bread or drink of your own, but that in the manner of a 120 
fly you live at another man’s table, though often rebuffed with blows and
so forth. Now take the rascal away.
MES. Alas, I’m ruined because of my nature’s excellence, which is
the salvation of others! [Exit Messe, enter Schioppius and witness.]
IGN. Wow! Here comes that rascal in print Schioppius! 125 
WIT. Hey you, Schioppius is here, the thief, the triple thief, the
villain, the triple villain. Guard your wallets. The ambassador of the
robbers is here, Schioppius. “Autolycus didn’t have such a thieving hand.”
IGN. See if he’s branded in the hand.
WIT. Frequently. He’s branded all over. Phooh, see how his hands 130 
have claws, how they’re sticky!
DUL. Indeed. And see, he has a slit nose, and is crop-eared too.
Judging by his marks he is Gaspar Schioppius of Munster.
IGN. Gaspar Schioppius, a monster.
WIT. Franco of Munster consorted with his mother and fathered 135 
him; he is a notorious bastard.
IGN. Oho, a bastard?
Bon bastard est d’adventure,
Mais meschant est de nature.
Procede, witness. 140 
WIT. And he stole a gold chain from his father.
SCH. Then I was not yet fourteen years old, when this sign of my
nature manifested itself.
DUL. Oh, a felon from the very cradle.
WIT. Furthermore, while he was still a lad his father lamented to 145 
his friends that he was going to grow up to be a rascal.
IGN. He spoke truly.
WIT. This plagiarist stole books and papers from his host Giffanius.
SCH. I confess it. To steal a writer’s words is not stealing.
DUL. Keep your distance, you bold fellow. I think you’ve stolen my 150 
books and papers, some are missing.
SCH. Me steal your papers? I have paper, I summon to witness all
the notorious papers I’ve published.
IGN. Indeed you scribble notorious books.
WIT. For in his youth he wrote most vile Priapic stuff. 155 
IGN. Why?
WIT. Because he cannot be honorably accused.
SCH. On behalf of these I can confidently say that all women are in
my debt.
IGN. In what way? 160 
SCH. I restored to them their private parts, by changing an L to an N.
DUL. An L to an N, master? This is a piece of furtive knavery.
WIT. Look at his notes, he is most wanton. In his writing he preferred
the life of sparrows to that of humans, and very feelingly at that, because
sparrows are more lecherous. 165 
IGN. I also hear that he is an apostate and a renegade.
WIT. Then he was not Gaspar Schioppius but rather Gastric Schioppius.
For lest he die of hunger this starveling wrote a book at Rome about his
conversion: “Hungry Schioppius sought out Rome, coming from Germany.”
SCH. Hey, when I was hungry Cardinal Madrucio’s kitchen was at 170 
my disposal.
WIT. But there, famished and bold as a dog, you competed with the
hounds for plate-licking privileges.
IGN. There’s a proverbial song, “turn a dog into sausage, he’ll keep on
biting.” 175 
DUL. Ha ha he, master.
SCH. But after my conversion I suddenly came forth from the Vatican
Library a distinguished theologian.
IGN. Indeed, as he is a man who once atheistically preferred Plautus
to Holy Writ. And hence he so often performs the rites of Laverna. Hence 180 
he worships Bacchus, Ceres, and Venus above all else. Hence he is in
the habit of waging war with man-made gods, this parasite on Romulus,
this father of starvelings, who has his mind fixed only on a pinch of salt,
yet who does not care a pinch of salt for his soul. Hence this earth-born
fellow employs a mountain of perjuries and lies to make his assault on 185 
heaven, this image of impudence, this gallows-bait beggar and hangman’s
victim. Hence with a filthy tooth and with a filthy tongue’s falsehoods
this Cerberus assaults the sacred persons of kings. Hence the evil reputation
of this son of a supervisor of butchers and whores. Hence this most
impudent scribbler draws his pen against legates, being himself the 190 
the most larcenous devotee of Laverna.
SCH. But my larcenous legate will perhaps bring it about that I am
made a legate a latere.
IGN. Wherefore you will be led off in ligatures, condemned for
larceny, the most real rascal I’ve confronted in my career. Right, I’ll tell 195 
the magistrate that he should punish you thus.
SCH. But I’m a Baron, I require a noble judge.
WIT. So it is fair for you to be judged by your peers, namely the
Gentlemen of the Highway. O you thieving Barons!
IGN. I know that according to the law this will be your judgment: 200  
first, because you are a liar, your libelous tongue shall be pierced
with a hot iron; and because you are impudent, a brazen face shall be
branded on your forehead.
WIT. His forehead? In vain! For he has never had any face or
heart. 205 
IGN. And since you have a very unclean mouth (as once you
demonstrated at Heidelburg), you shall be carried to a dunghill,
and there your mouth shall be crammed full of shit, and thus your
exceedingly foul soul will depart your body, as a Greek would say, 
hysteron proteron. 210 
DUL. What? What, master?
IGN. That’s Greek, you fool
DUL. Oh I can’t write Greek, Musaeus had better write this down.
IGN. Donkey! Donkey! Afterwards your body will be cast into an
Abbot’s cesspool. 215 
SCH. I cannot be condemned in that way, for I’m often insane:
beware what you do.
IGN. Take the rascal away.
SCH. Guard your wallets. [Exeunt. Enter post boy.]
BOYSigneur, your gown is ready. 220 
IGN. How so?
BOY We found one among Schioppius’loot.
IGN. So I’ll go and put on the gown. Afterwards Ignoramus
will return to you.
BOY But come back soon, señor. 225 
DUL. No worries, there’ll be no writ of non-appearance. [Exit Ignoramus
Dulman.]
BOY Ignoramus will come back to the stage. And its return is not
due to him, but rather to your mercy, Caesar, patron of Caesars. It is due
to your love of our university. The great honor of our university is made
all the greater inasmuch as you yourself are a perfect university of 230 
learning. And because of this glory we are inundated with envy. “See,
the livid man is chewing his nails once more. Give all the more, Caesar,
so that he may grieve.” Give, (as you can, Caesar) so much that he will
grieve, “that whoever is bursting with envy may burst.”

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 THEODORUS an old gentleman, a merchant of Bourdeaux
ANTONIUS a young man, son of Theodorus
IGNORAMUS an English laywer
DULMAN, MUSAEUS, PECUSS Ignoramus’clerks
TORCOL a pander, a Portugese
ROSABELLA a maid, Torcol’s alleged kinswoman
SURDA a woman dwarf, servant to Torcol
TRICO a servant of Theodorus
BANACAR a Moor
CUPES a parasite and book-monger
POLLA Cupes’wife
COLA a monk
DOROTHEA a matron, wife of Theodorus
VINCE a page, belonging to Dorothea
NELL Dorothea’s maidservant
RICHARDUS Theodorus’servant
PYROPUS a clothes-dealer
FIDDLERS,
A MARINER French
A MARINER English
AN INNKEEPER 

Silent parts

OFFICERS
VICTUALERS
BAGGAGES
BAILIFFS  

The scene is set in Bourdeaux

ACT I, SCENE i
THEODORUS, ANTONIUS

synopsis

THE. My sonne, wilt thou obey me?
ANT. You are my father sir, comand me what you please.
THE. Well said; then observe what I would have thee,
Though I think that you’ve been listning in a cloud.
I beleeve Antonius thou hast heard me say 5 
How sometime I traffiqu’d with an English merchant
That liv’d at London; and sold him soe much wine,
As by accompt came to a thousand crownes;
For which summe I only had his bill
Of soe much mony writt, but never paid: 10 
Therefore, my sonne, if thou’t be rul’d by mee,
Trust noe man, its the quintescence of witt.
Thou understand’st me?
ANT. Very well, sir, may’t please you to proceed.
THE. Att length perceiving him to breake his word, 15 
I went to London to require my mony;
And being there I found him somewhat slow
In my despatches; and in the interim
I grew acquainted with a hansome widdow,
Call’d Dorothea, a Burdigall by birth; 20 
Her husband was an alderman of London,
One Mallius that mary’d her here in France
(Did I say Mallius? No, his name was Manlius.)
And had her to London; where he falling sick,
Made his will, and ordain’d her his executrix; 25 
Now Manlius had noe children by this woman,
But by a former wife hee’d two faire daughters,
The elder of them called Catherina,
The younger Isabella. He lying sick,
And on his death bed, comitted these two daughters 30 
With their dowries to the trust and care
Of Dorothea (though but their mother in law)
That shee might dispose of them in marriage
As they grew ripe for husbands; but, Antonius,
As soone as I beheld this Dorothea, 35 
Her perfections wrought soe much upon me
As I could entertaine noe other thought
But love. Yet was it with dispaire, for though
I wooed her often, yet she still denyed,
Untill at length by following of my suite 40 
I obtained her consent, and we were marry’d;
And e’re the yeere was past she was brought to bed
With a paire of twins; whereof, Antonius,
Though art one, the other Antoninus;
You were soe like, that neither she nor I 45 
Could ever know you a part, but by a mole
That Antoninus had uppon his cheek:
Afterwards I return’d into my country,
And tooke you with me (being then six yeere-old),
But left your brother at London with his mother; 50 
I thinke it be some fiveteene yeeres agoe,
For as we were coming through some part of France
We were taken by the enemies, which then
Had warrs with England; but within six monthes
A peace was concluded, and we were sett free, 55 
And not long after I bethought my selfe
How I might see thy mother Dorothea.
But by some contentious sute of law
I was kept backe, and here I am forc’d to stay;
Oh this viprous generation of Hydra, 60 
Noe sooner’s the head of one dissention of,
But another riseth, strifes out of strifes;
Take heed of this Antonius; be well advis’d
Before thou goest to law, and rather accept
A leane arbittrement, then a fatt iudgment. 65 
ANT. I will Father.
THE. Soe while I might, Antonius, me thinkes Ile see
Thy mother, thy brother, and his new wife.
ANT. Sir, they say he has marry’d Catharina.
THE. ’Tis very true, 70 
Your mother and I decreed it long before
That your brother and you should marry those two daughters
Which her husband Manlius had by’s former wife,
Soe we betroth’d you from your infancyes,
Catharina to your brother Antoninus, 75 
And Isabella to thee; but she (alas)
Was put to nurse at Deptford on the Thames,
And sure she is either stolne away or drown’d.
ANT. Sir did you never see that Catharina you speak of?
THE. Never; for she was bred in Devonshire, 80 
Farr distant from us, where she alwayes liv’d,
Under the tuition of her grand mother;
But since shee’s marry’d, I heare shee’s with her mother;
Therefore, Antonius, I wouild have thee goe
Imediately to London, where thou’lt find 85 
Thy mother, thy brother, and Catherina.
Carry my blessing and comendations with thee,
And lett ’em know how much I long to see ’em.
ANT. Oh this is that which I have soe much fear’d.
If I should goe and leave my Rosabella 90 
I am undone.
THE. See here, thy mother has written to mee,
That within these few dayes shee’le be here her selfe
Or else shee’le send thy brother Antoninus,
But my desire is to see them all. 95 
Thinke with thy selfe how seet a thing ’twill be
After soe many yeeres of discontent
To embrace thy mother and salute thy brother!
What aylst thou? Why dost looke soe? Does it greeve thee?
ANT. What shall I doe? I must confess the trueth, 100 
There’s no remedy; this it is to love.
THE. How? Art crost in love? ANT. Not in love sir,
But I hate to crosse these turbulent seas.
THE. Come that’s not it, there’s something else i’th’wind.
Thou fain’st excuses, but none shall stopp thy iourny. 105 
Ile have thee goe with speed, therefore make hast.
ANT. What? Presently, Father.
THE. Yes presently, sonne, you will obey me?
ANT. It is my duty, sir, but I beseech you
Give me leave to consider on’t a while. 110 
THE. Oh sweet sir, I would have you know,
That when the father’s pleased to comand
The sonne ought forthwith to obey his will
Without a time of consideration.
ANT. And Ile obey you willingly, but —THE. But what? 115 
ANT. Sir, since it is your pleasure I should goe,
I humbly beseech you graunt me but a weeke
To provide and fitt my selfe for such a iourny
And bid my friends a fond and fair adieu.
THE. Take you noe care, Ile do it in your stead, 120 
Make ready for your voyage? I’ave don’t already.
Your shipp is here and the merchant’s paid
And there is nothing wanting for your iourny.
ANT. But England lyes northward and the wind is south
Quite opposite toth’North, which will cause the seas 125 
To be soe boystrous I shall not passe.
THE. Why that’s the reason I would have thee hasten,
The wind being south will bring thee straight to England.
What think’st thou now? ANT. But sir, doe you not heare
How angry the winds are with the seas? 130 
And if you marke it well, you may perceive
The clouds to threaten violent stormes.
THE. Art out of thy witts? Dost dreame as thou standst?
Behold how mild and gently the wind bloweth!
How smooth and favourable are the seas! 135 
I know not what thou’ldst have, but I am sure
Here is noe cause of feare; therefore be gone,
Trifle not the time, but hasten quickly,
Least your too much folly provoke my anger.
ANT. What? Now? Ah me, my Rosabelle! [He weepes.] 140 
THE. Why how now? What doest weepe?
What a’Gods name aylst thou? I marvaile at it.
ANT. Is it a mervaile, sir,
That the anger of soe deare a father
Should draw a teare from a dutifull child? 145 
THE. If it be soe ’tis well. But why doe we linger thus?
ANT. I beseech you, father,
Lett me desire this one thing ere I goe
That I may restore my friends some thinges of theirs
Which I have in charge, and take my leave of them; 150 
Graunt me but never soe little time.
THE. Never soe little, how little?
ANT. Not above foure houres.
THE. That’s too much.
The marriners expect thee every houre. 155 
ANT. Then but two little houres.
THE. Well that you shall; in the meane time Ile goe in
And seale my letters up to Dorothea,
And fetch thee out some mony for thy iourny;
But prithee be as sparing as thou canst, 160 
These hungry sutes has lick’d up all my baggs.
You must know the condition of the law’s
To feed the lawyer, or wee starve the cause. [Exit Theodorus.]

 

ACT I, SCENE ii
ANTONIUS alone

synopsis

Have I but two houres then for mine own use?
What life is that which is but two houres long? 165 
Only a gaspe proclaiming death at hand;
Oh my deare Rosabelle, I am undone.
In going from thee, I goe from my life;
My father comands it, and I must obey,
Yet powerfull love enforces me to stay; 170
What shall I doe? Lett me be here or there,
Or whereso’ere I am my hopes are vaine,
Seeing I must not love with his consent.
And therefore will I take my last farwell
Ere I goe hence and perish, for sure the fates 175 
Never intended that she should be mine
Since that predestinated knave her uncle
With whom she lives has blocked up our designes;.
They call him Torcol for his crooked neck,
Yet his conditions doe deserve the name: 180
He faines himself a merchant, when indeed
He trades in naught but whores. Yet, howso’er base,
He has used my Rosabella honestly
As becomes her, being his brothers daughter.
Her father was a noble Portugale 185
And dyed at Fessa, where he apply’d himselfe
By reason of the warrs; and being there,
Comitted his daughter, which was underage,
To the great care and trust of this his brother.
Shee being a comely maid had many sutors 190
That would have marry’d her for her beauty only.
But this base miserable wretch her uncle,
He (forsooth) must needs have mony to boot;
Whefore I that would have pawn’d my life,
To have repurchasd it in Rosabella, 195
Bargain’d with him for six hundred crownes
That I might have her; and he assur’d me of her,
But on condition I should pay the mony
Within a moneth, which I by noe means could.
Wherefore he, thinking me some needy fellow 200
Or that I had intentions to delude him,
He deales now with a certain English lawyer
That came from England to decide some causes
Of controversy betweene his country-men;
And (as God helpe me) hee’s at leisure now 205
To fall in love, and is almost madd for mine.
His Latin’s Osce Volsce rustick-like,
An annoyer not a lawyer, a golden asse.
But all my comfort is, we have pledg’d our faithe
To one another, unknowne to father, 210
From whom I doe conceal’t; but while I talke
There’s one houre gone, and I have but one more
(For I am a man of an houre), wherefore I
Will speake with Rosabella ere I dye. But see,
Yonder’s the laywer Ignoramus come. 215
Shall he deprive me of my hearts content?
But I will make him a sad president.
THE. [Inside.] Antonius.
ANT. O me, my father calls.
THE. Antonius, Antonius. 220
ANT. Father.
THE. Come hither, quickly.
ANT. I come, sir.

ACT I, SCENE iii
IGNORAMUS, DULMAN, MUSAEUS, PECUS

synopsis 

IGN. Fie, fie, there’s such pressing and crouding that I am almost crush’t
to death; but Ile have an action of intrusion ’gainst one and all; Aha, 225 
monsieurs, voulez vous intruder par joinct tenant? Il est plaine case,
il est point droite de le ben seance. O I am warme, o hott, hott! I pray
God I have not melted my grease. Fie, fie, where a duce are all my clerks
now? Dulman, Dulman!
DUL. Here, here, Master Ignoramus, vous haves Dulman. 230 
IGN. I am melted, Dulman, I am melted. Rub me with a towell, rub
mee. Where’s Pecus?
PEC. Here, sir.
IGN. Fac ventum, Pecus, make wind, soe soe: where’s Fled-witt?
DUL. He is not to be found. 235 
IGN. Now put your cloakes upon me least I take cold. Soe, soe, ainsi
bien faict; but for all this I am glad I have made soe good an agreement
betweene my countrymen; to morrow it will be time for me to hoise
saile and steale toward London. I must not slipp a tearme. Wee come
hither the eighth of Hilary and now ’tis almost the fiveteenth of Easter 240 
DUL. I swear, master, you tickled the points o’th’law to day.
IGN. I thinke I tickled em. Si le nom del granteur ou grante soit
rased, out interlind, en faict pol, le faict est grandement suspitious.
DUL. Et nient obstant , si faict pol etc. etc., and that indeede in covine.
PEC. And this about un faict pendu in the smoake; I never heard it better tickled 245 
IGN. What sayst thou, Musaeus?
MUS. Truly I understand but little.
IGN. Thou gallicrista, alias coxcombe, I see I shall ne’ere make thee
a lawyer.
DUL. I thinke soe indeed, for he has beene a universitant. 250 
IGN. These universitants are such ideotts theyle ne’ere make good
clerkes; I wonder how thou hast spent thy time amongst them.
MUS. I have been busied most in Logick.
IGN. In Logick? What towne or citty is that?
MUS. It is one of the Liberall Artes. 255 
IGN. Liberall Artes? I’faith I thought soe. In the name of God study me
the sparing arts; this is noe world for liberall artes.
MUS. I was given to loving Philosophy.
IGN. What? Loving? Love of baggages and strumpets? If you keep to
a bad rule, you’re no man for me, I’le return you to your parents. 260 
MUS. [Aside.] Pray God you do!
IGN. What’s a clock, Dulman?
DUL. ’Tween eight and nine.
IGN. ’Tween eight and nine? Take the baggs and roles and carry them to our lodging.
What’s that? Let me see the instrument; wait un petite while I clap spectacles on my nose 265 
— oho ho, I know now, This indenture made between Roger Battledock of
Caxton in the County of Brecknock, oho, Richard Fen, John Den. Proud
Buzard plaintife against Prakegoose defendant, oho, here’s a fault in a
letter; mend it, mend it, for in our law one tittle overthrows a whole
cause. Goe now, copy thou this, engrosse you that, and doe you truss up 270 
the thinges for our iourny. [Exeunt clerks.] 

IGNORAMUS, alone

Heigh hoe, Rosabella, heigh hoe; now Ile to happy Venus Court and be
merry here at Torcol’s house; that wagg Cupid would never leave me till he
had gott me in his bayliwick. First of all when I loved Rosabella but a little
he sent me a parvum cape, then a magnum cape, afterwards other capias, and 275 
more capias, and capias without number, and soe he sent me soe many capias,
that at length he capt me of all my sence and reason, soe that now I am
even as a fly without a head. I spin and buzze this way and t’other way
and know not what I doe. If I draw but a deed with a womans name in’t,
I presently write downe Rosabella; for corpus cum causa, I write corpus 280 
cum cauda, for noverint universi, amaverint universi, for habere ad rectum,
I write habere ad lectum, and soe I spoile the whole deed; heigh ho, ho,
heigh hoe. [Enter Torcol.]

ACT I, SCENE iv
TORCOL, IGNORAMUS, HARLOTS

synopsis

TOR. Hoe hoe, handmaid; let Corinna be painted faire, Sebina sett of
with a vermilion blush, Caelia somewhat black about the eye-brows; let 285 
Dorcas’haire be of an orient collour; make hast and when you are all drest
come in that in my sight you may play and sing and dance to fiddles, for these
are the only enticements to winn lovers. [Exeunt harlots.] As I was passing
from Fessa to Portugall I suffr’d ship wrack, and lost the better part
of my estate, wherefore I am now constraind to undertake the profession 290 
of a bawd, and with that little portion which I saved from ship wrack, I
have brought me lemans out of divers countries, as various as possible in
their tongues and habitts and dress, and I have fitted them all out after the fashion of their own country. “Gaine has a good savour be it in what it will,” but my kins- woman Rosabella is a pure virgin, and I hope to see her well marryed to day. 295 
I promised her to Ignoramus, and I am to receive for her six hundred
crownes. But soft, who’s that? Señor Ignoramo, the man I honor above
all men, are you here? Beso las manos, señor, I am your servus servorum.
IGN. Why here’s the Pope, I thinke.
TOR. What will you comand your servant, my master, mi don ? 300 
IGN. Ha he, Ile give you a supersedeas for your complements. I thinke
you have gott your wry neck with these cringes and congees .
TOR. This is our fashion at Burdeux, senor. When I was drinking at the
best of wines, “a wine of one eare,” approving its excellence, I bent to far and
wrenched it out of shape. 305 
IGN. You shall never have a writt of right.
TOR. Whether right or crooked, I am yours, señorIgnoramus. Where are
you, girles? Come forth here. Oh señor. [Enter harlots.]
IGN. Pray leave of your cringes and scrapings and tell me what are
these that come here? Are they your goods and chattles? 310 
TOR. Know, senor, I am both a merchant and a musitian, and have
opened here a school for fiddlers.
IGN. There is no fidelity in your fiddles. But of what contry are they?
TOR. Shee with the harpe’s a Graecian, this a Germaine, this with the
tamborine an Haebrecian, that a Spaniard, the one with the lute a French 315 
woman, this a Venetian, that a Moore, that a Persian, and the other a Turk.
Goe to now. [They sing and daunce.]
IGN. They are handsome musitians, you are lord of this here manor.
TOR. Aye senor; come neere here, and first salute this gentleman
most courteously one after another. [All salute him in their languages and 320 
kiss him.]
IGN. What’s the matter? Have you a warrant for kissing? Why how
now? By force and arms, you are good ones I warrant you. [He turnes about
and spies the Moore.] Fie, gett thee hence. Faith thou art a wife for
the devill. Doe not these play at unlawfull games contrary to the statute? 325 
TOR. Beleeve me they are both sound and seald virgins.
IGN. Seald, aye they are seald with the comon seale, I thinke, ha he.
TOR. Good senor, you are deceivd in us, we are not of that occupation, 
adieu.
IGN. Pray stay, you are angry? I only crack a iest as we lawyers 330 
are used to doe, though ’twere uppon a mans life, and you presently
take it in good earnest. Come, be jocund, and tell me how fares my
Rosabella to day?
TOR. Oh, she’s no longer a virgin, she’ll wed another.
IGN. Say you so in sober earnest? 335 
TOR. Even soe (Ile hooke him further in).
IGN. Diable, the devill of such trickes and quidletts; this is fraus,
covina, et deceptio. Was there not an indenture made betweene you and mee,
that if I paid you six hundred crownes I should marry your ward
Rosabella? And this very day was appointed for the payment? How say 340 
you, is this not true, hah?
TOR. I graunt it.
IGN. Well, doe what you will, I have your indenture and obligation
safe and sound, signed, sealed and delivered with your own hand, and if
youle not deliver me Rosabella you shall forfeit your bond of a thousand 345 
crownes; “one king, one law,” your halfe tongue shaln’t excuse you.
What thinke you of that?
TOR. Sooth, this Ignoramus thinkes all thinges are caryed here as they
are in England. Well, senor, if you have brought me my six hundred
crownes you shall have your bargaine. 350 
IGN. For you know it was soe agreed betweene us, accordatum et
condescensum, therefore if my busines hinder not Ile come my selfe
in person to day and bring the mony, or else Ile send one of my clerkes in
my stead.
TOR. But I know none of your clerkes. 355 
IGN. Nor they you, but all’s one for that. He shall bring you six
hundred crownes, and the writings, besides I will tell him you have a
crooked neck. What, doe you doubt any thing?
TOR. I feare Antonius and subtill Trico, for they lay wait in all corners
for Rosabella, soe that we canot be too wary e’en at our wariest. Therefore 360 
we shall doe well to agree upon some private marke or token. Caution
heaped upon caution is most cautious.
IGN. Though it be not a fact matter, yett if my clearke Dulman come he
shall give you a privatum signum, and take you by the nose thus. [He pulls
his nose.] 365 
TOR. Oh gently, ’tis well, then lett this be the signe, and be sure you
tell it to noe body but him.
IGN. Doe you thinke I am an ideott or a foole?
TOR. Then you shall marry her to day. She is my owne kinswoman, and
(affore Jove) what e’re I said she is a chast virgine. 370 
IGN. Oui, oui, a goddess, and to morrow Ile carry her to London, but
pray call her hither that I may have a sight of her. For truly I love her,
thats the long and short. Therefore comand ther pay me in the same weight:
’tis a love d’ avoir-du-pois, you understand me?
TOR.I will bring her to you presently. [Exit.] 375 
IGN. Never in all my life was I wrapt in love before. Now I am
inamoured like a beast; he will bring her presently corpus cum cauda (cum
causa I should say); oh that I had but one habeas corpus now. Ha, ha,
he, the very thought of it is musique to me. Me thinkes I walke upon cymballs.  

ACT I, SCENE v
TORCOL, ROSABELLA, IGNORAMUS, SURDA

synopsis

TOR. You stubborne wench you, what doe you weep for? Have I bred 380 
you up soe carefully and honestly that now you should be a cross to your
owne good and mine too? Either marry this man willingly, or per aquesta
cruz de Dios Ile carry you hence agin to Fessa where Ile either prostitute
or sell you; I wish you well. Will you? What say you?
ROS. You are discreet, Uncle, and it is fitt I should what you would have me. 385 
TOR. That’s well, then you doe as you should doe.
ROS. I must dissemble love to prevent a danger;
But Antonius, Ile ne’ere prove false to thee.
TOR. I have sett this dwarf to be her keeper, and though she has
been deaf this three moneths she is very trusty and by signes she understands 390 
mee well enough. [He makes signes to her.]
SUR. I understand you very well, you’ld have me keepe her strickly in,
and not let her gad a broad.
TOR. She knowes my meaning.
SUR. And I must not suffer her to speake with the young man. 395 
Tor. Right.
SUR. As soone as he comes to speak with her, I must have her in.
TOR. See how quickly shee understands mee.
SUR. Or if I doe not, you threaten to beat me to death. I warrant you Ile
have care of your comands. 400 
TOR. Senor, take my word my neece loves you beyond all men living,
make tryall of her. I must goe, my business calls me hence; remember the
token and the mony.
IGN. Well, well, there’ll bee no defalta.
TOR. [To Surda.] But let no man in. [Exit.] 405 
SUR. It shall be so, I say.
IGN. Ha ha he, my Rosabella, hem, hem, hem, Madame and you, gentle-
men of the jury, here’s an action upon the case. Fie, fie, my tongue runs after the
Comon Law. I think I please now.
SUR. For ought I see this mans a foole. 410 
IGN. Madame, pardonne moi, I have never loved before, but now I will
come to the point: let us ioyne issue. Shall you and I make a marriage?
ROS. I am not worthy of such an honor.
IGN. Truly, Rosabella, I love thee better than rosa solis. I tell thee thy
love has made me a lawfull poett. Will you heare my verses? 415 
ROS. If it pleases you, senor.
IGN. Hem, hem, Law Verses Upon Rosabella, hem, hem. 
Si possem, vellem pour te, Rosa, ponere pellem;
Quicquid tu vis, crava, et habebis singula brava.
Et dabo fee simple, si monstras loves prettie dimple, 420 
Gownos, silke cotos, kirtellos, et peticotos;
Farthingales biggos, stomacheros et periwiggos,
Pantophlos, cuffos, garteros, Spanica ruffos.
Buskos et soccos, tifanas et cambrica smockos,
Pimpillos, pursos; ad ludos ibis et ursos. 425 
(Englished, “a beare-garden.”)
ROS. Well done! Wondrous!
IGN. Then thou shalt goe to see playes, and to the beare-garden, and thou
shalt doe even what you wilt; but (hark you) you must open your court to
none but me. Hold it, tis a true bill. 430 
ROS. I will carry it in my bosome.
IGN. Dost love me now?
ROS. Love you, who can otherwise chuse?
IGN. Sayst thou soe? Ile give thee a good joyncture, i’faith. Thou shalt
see Ile make thee love me better and better. Hear thy joyncture:435 
“I, Ambidexter Ignoramus, infoeff upon you, my wife Rosabelle, in tail
especial, the the manor of Tonguewell, with all its estate. And I
graunt you each and every appurtenance belonging thereto: cottages,
dovecotes, mills, fulling mills, water mills, windmills, gardens, structures,
forests and woods, gorses, heaths, moors, salt marshes, fresh marshes, 440 
land, turfing land, elm-bearing land, mossy land, pasturage on common
land, hunting rights, fishing rights, fencing rights; and tithes of garden
crops, wheat, grain, lambs, hay, linen, hemp; tollages, stallages,
pontages, fair-rights, rights of escheat, rights of fining felons, right to claim
lost property, right to claim strays, rights over ship wrack.” 445 
ROS. Oh, it is too much.
IGN. Stay but while I fetch breath, and Ile give thee ten times more.
ROS. Hee makes me laugh though I am sad at heart.
SUR. Is this man well in his witts trow? He should be a woman, a pye
or a parrot by his tongue. 450 
IGN. Now you must be sure to love me quid pro quo.
ROS. It fitts I should.
IGN. Then give me one kiss, I prithee doe.
ROS. Oh noe, señor, forbeare I pray; here’s a sweet heart indeed! Oh the
greediness of a wicked uncle! 455 
IGN. My Rose, I read fine lines in thy face — [He offers to kiss her.]
SUR. Away, away, be gone.
IGN. Ile have a writt of quare impedit for you. I must seale and deliver thee one kiss.
SUR. Scat scat, ah.
IGN. Now farwell, my deare Rosabella, till anon. This kiss does me good 460 
at heart; now methinkes I could vault over three ioyn’d steeples. But I have
witt enough to cosin Torcol; when I gett into England Ile marry me a rich wife
and then Ile hold this one as a locum tenens only for a pastime. Now Ile
goe fetch my crownes. [Exit.]
SUR. I see you love him now. 465 
ROS. Death rather.
SUR. You doe well, for he will give you —
ROS. A mischiefe, he will.
SUR. Now you must not love the young man.
ROS. Nor my life truly. 470 
SUR. You make signe that you hate him, ’tis well done. I see my master
suspects you without a cause.
ROS. O how I am crost!
Must I not love, nor seeme to love Antonius?
In spight of fate, Ile seeme to love howe’re 475 
To gaine my liberty with less suspition
And steale to him if I marry Ignoramus.
But oh Antonius! I heare hee is gone to London,
Which if he bee, hees’an unfaithfull man;
If he deceive me, now I am quite undone. 480 
SUR. If you marry with this man you will fl ow in wealth.

ACT I, SCENE vi
ANTONIUS, TRICO, ROSABELLA, SURDA

synopsis 

TRI. Master, can you think on no thing else? Ile gett her safe and sound,
I warrant you.
ANT. All my hopes lye in thee, Trico.
TRI. You shall see, Ile conquer deceit with deceite; but who doe I see 485 
yonder? Wipe your eyes, sir.
ANT. Is it Rosabella? Will, thou art an honest fellow; shee’s come in a
very fitt time, if that old bitch doe not hinder me.
TRI. You need not feare her, for she has noe teeth. She canot bite you.
ANT. Yet a barking curr may wake the master. 490 
TRI. But I will give her a crust, Ile make as if I love her, for she always
plays the puppy. In the meane while you may sowe your wordes where you
shall see occasion. And heare you sir, now and then you must feigne your
selves angry that she may thinke you are enemies, and soe have the more
freedome to speake your mindes. 495 
ANT. I like thy counsell well.
TRI. Save you, good woman.
SUR. Away, touch me not, keep of your hands.
TRI. How how feirce she is!
SUR. Out uppon you, you have hurt my hand. 500 
TRI. Shee issues threats, it goes well
SUR. I thinke he would feigne love mee. He shews me a ring, but Ile
not marry him. Ile see him hang’d first. Looke how he folds his arms.
TRI. [Trico embraces Surda.] Ahime.
SUR. How thick he draws his breath! A lack a day, I think he is dying. I 505 
am not such a hag.
TRI. Ahime.
SUR. How he pants! The wretch is killing me.
TRI. Oh her lipps are as white as milk; her nose is pure purple; her skin’s
like pretious stones; she has eyes like eggs, a leg like a pismire, a foot like a 510 
calfe, a brest like a grashopper; she prattles “mamma” like a babe, she neighs
like a colt, and she grunts like a sow, ahime.
SUR. I know you are comending my beauty. I am faire enough, God
be thanked.
TRI. Oh my little peece of deformity, composed of Natures excrements, 515 
who can but admire this single-eyd, needle-nosd, maple-faced, wafter-
chopt, snaggle-tooth’d, hoop-shouldred, paper-gutted, brawny-buttockt,
tun-bellyed hoggs-head? Ah my little pretty, little hansome, little sweet,
little bearded monkey.
SUR. He is astonish’d at my beauty; oh that I could but heare my own 520 
comendations! Let people henceforth call me dwarf!
TRI. Ahime.
SUR. Poore heart, he weepes. I am greev’d to see it; ahime; hee’s dead.
Come cheere up. Have a good heart, I love thee, I doe.
ANT. [He speakes to Rosabella.] Pray feigne your selfe angry with mee. 525 
SUR. Be of good comfort, I vow I love thee; poore wretch, should I suffer
any one to dye for love of me? I canot be soe uncharitable.
TRI. Didn’t I tell you? Now she is mine owne. What shall I doe to forbeare
laughing. Ahime.
SUR. Do not sigh. Come be merry, i’faith I love thee, but alas my deare 530 
soule, I must leave thee. A mischiefe on’t, hee is come now that my master
did soe charge me to be ware of. Rosabella, shew him no countenance at
all, but turne him with a sowre looke and hee’le be gone.
ROS. Antonius, now I feigne in good earnest;
You care not what becomes of me; they say 535 
You are going to London; will you forsake me now?
What on’t these men doe? O heard hearted men!
SUR. Do you beat your breast? You doe well, ah impudence, ah.
TRI. Ahime.
SUR. Ahime, how I am plung’d in love, even like a waspe falne into a 540 
hony pott.
ANT. Rosabella, you know I’ave given my faith to none but you and
here is my hand to confirme the contract.
SUR. Oh out upon him, inhumane beast! Strike a woman! That I were a
a man for his sake, I’de not leave him eye to see his misery. There’s noe 545 
feare of their being in love, but wee poore wretches love dearly, ahime.
TRI. She sighes like a sow that has lost her first litter, ahime.
SUR. Ahime.
ANT. Pardon me, my dearst, since my fate
Is govern’d soe much by my fathers power 550 
That neither teares, nor prayers will availe.
But I am forced too’t, o’my faith I am.
ROS. Are you forced?
Love will not be forced; twill slippe a side,
Or make a thousand shiftes. You doe not love. 555 
ANT. If I doe not, lett me perrish—
ROS. Peace, I beleeve you.
SUR. Ahime, this love, this burning love, it boiles like a pott, and hisses
at my heart. [Trico nods to her.] The fire’s well kindled; he beckens.
Very pretty, Ile doe the same to him. 560 
ROS. Why don’t you take me out of this filthy house? Fie.
SUR. Spitt in his face, ah.
ROS. Here I must live in subiection to an uncle
Whose honesty is gone with his estate.
For why call him human, he’s not humane, 565 
O dear dead father, to whom you entrusted me.
But thou art dead and hear’st not my complaints.
Would God I were soe too, I might not know ‘em.
ANT. Oh the witt and cariage of this woman!
It cutts my heart to leave her; what shall I doe? 570 
SUR. She has nettled him now. See how he beates his breast and tears
his haire. Ah impudent fellow!
TRI. Ahime.
SUR. Prithee doe not sigh soe, my little lambe. He loves after the Italian
fashion, he throughs out his very heart at his eyes. I know his mind, Ile 575 
requite his deare love.
ROS. If you had paid my uncle the six hundred crownes as you promis’d
him, I’de never knowne this misery.
ANT. It’s my unhappiness I cannot free thee
For on my faith I could by noe meanes gett it. 580 
I’de not a friend would trust me, and my father’s
Too too covetous; what should I doe?
ROS. I know not, but I am contracted now to Ignoramus,
And either he or his man will come to day,
And bring the mony, with a private token,
That was agreed on by my uncle and him. 585 
TRI. A token say you? Doe you know that token ’tis?
ROS. Not I truly, that they conceale from me, But there are his con-
ceited verses.
TRI. Perchance I may fish something out of these.
SUR. She throws away his letters, tis well done. See how hee lookes 590 
now, his eyes sparkle like fire, and he knocks his heeles against the ground
for anger. But I see thee, my little love.
ANT. What heart is able to endure this?
TRI. Be of good comfort, sir, Ile doe something ere shee and you part.
ANT. Would God thou couldst. 595 
TRI. Beleeve it, this little head is inventing strange thinges.
SUR. Oh beat not thy head soe. I love thee, as God helpe me I doe. I
am affraid hee’l fall into another convultion.
TRI. Alas for it, little tender ape, I can hold no longer, ha ha he.
ANT. Ha he, does my love laugh? And Ile laugh too, ha ha he. 600 
TRI. Harke how she neighs. Here you, sir, now you have a faire
oppertunity to slipp away, for shee’s surely mine owne, I have her in
Vulcanes chaines.
ANT. You advise us well. Come deare, letts goe.
ROS. But shee’l cry out then. 605 
TRI. Adventure it however.
SUR. Now, sweet heart, give me your ring. I thanke you, now I am
yours, and pray accept of this handkercher as a token of my constancy.
TRI. Are you not gone yett? Away, away, and to your priest presently.
SUR. Give me thy hand. I pray God it may succeed. 610 
TRI. That thou mayst perrish.
SUR. Lett’s seale it with a kisse. [They kiss.] Oh sweet kiss, it makes
my very mouth to water. Eh, eh, eh, I have a little scurvy cough, eh, eh, eh.
TRI. Upp with those rotten lunges. But why doe you stand soe? Away,
away, be gone, you’le loose your oppertunity. 615
SUR. Come, my little cock of all loves, lett’s goe. Oh most incom-
parable ioy.
TRI. Oh how you creepe like shell-crabs! Be damned!

 

ACT I, SCENE vii
TORCOL, ANTONIUS, TRICO, ROSABELLA, SURDA A

synopsis 

TOR. Helpe here, helpe, they are runing away; stay ’em, stay ’em.
ROS. Oh cruell fate, now I am quite undone! 620 
SUR. Why doe you beat mee?
TOR. Drive Antonius awaye! Oh daintly keeper, “who guards the guardians?”
Here’s the wolfe keepes the sheepe. Ah you old bawd you.
SUR. I am none of yours now; therfore have a care how you strike me
I would wish you, for I am marryed to day. 625 
TOR. Thou married? Ile marry thee agin to this cudgell.
SUR. What a devill ayles you? I say I am marryd and will marry agin in
spight of your teeth. ’Sfoot I am lawfuly marryd by the words of this man here,
here’s my ring to shew for’t.
TOR. Your ring? This is a trick of Trico, is’t? But Ile — 630 
SUR. St, husband helpe me, he shall —
TOR. Gett you both in, you strumpetts. [Enter officers.] You, take ’em and
bind ’em fast, and keepe ’em till I come.
ROS. Or kill us if you please.
SUR. St, st, husband, husband, will you leave your wife in this maner? 635 
Ahime. [Exeunt Rosabella, Surda, and one officer.]
ANT. You are a little too bold.
TOR. Come ayd me here.
ANT. How dare you doe this in my sight?
TOR. Señor, I pray goe about your business, I have nothing to say to you. 640
TRI. Hee is a very rascall.
TOR. Ah, thou marry’d my old woman, didst thou? But hence forward
I will beware thy tricks, Trico, I will.
TRI. Be as wary as you can, Ile shew you one ere night yet, Torcol, I will.
TOR. Hee that threatens another supplies the weapon to kill himselfe. 645 
ANT. Come you hither, sirrah.
TOR. Pray keepe farther off and say your pleasure.
TRI. I tell thee in thy eare, thou art a reverend bawd.
TOR. Because I am a stranger, I must pass over an iniury without taking
notice of it. Senor, I should be lought to gain your displeasure. I have many 650 
other hansome young women you may have your choise of, if you please, senor.
ANT. Very courteously spoken.
TOR. Senor, a la buena ventura.
ANT. Forbeare your Portugee þattery.
TOR. Servidor, senor, queda con dios. [Exeunt Torcol and officers.] 655 
ANT. A mischiefe goe with y ou.
TRI. You shall see, sir, Ile gett her for all this.
ANT. Oh Trico, it canot bee.
TRI. Feare nothing, sir, let me alone.
ANT. But I must be gone, my father expects mee. 660 
TRI. Goe then, and Ile hide hereabouts. I must be very cautious least
the old man chance to see me with you. I perceive he suspects me already.
See, see where he comes. I must be packing i’faith. [Trico flees.]

 

ACT I, SCENE viii
THEODORUS, ANTONIUS, TRICO, BANACAR, A MARINER

synopsis 

THE. So hoe, Trico. Trico, whither run you? Nay nay don’t hide. I see
you, I see you — Is that he trow? Or his picture on the wall? Does he not 665 
stirr yet? Ile goe neerer. Ah thou wouldst be cudgelld, thou brasen faced
villane. See how he lyes.
TRI. By my faith, master, I was even transported with my devotions
and earnest prayers for your sonne Antonius safe crossing the seas.
THE.Thou art a devout rascall indeed. [He brushes him.] 670 
TRI. Sir, I tell you true though I doe not use it.
THE. O, thou brush the dust off me; brush thou no man, you are too
careful over trifles. I feare thou wilt be his overthrow.
TRI. Who I, master?
THE. Aye you, sirrah. What mischeife are you plotting,? If I — 675 
TRI. You would compel me, an honest man —
THE. Compel you to — ?
TRI. Basta.
THE. Pray go on.
TRI. —turn bad, and badly cheat you. I say so plainly. 680 
THE. I hear you. Come you hither; goe presently to the farm and
dispatch the business I told you of to day, and see you make hast here again
before nightfall.
TRI. And further?
THE. Return with my steward, I would do accounts with him.
TRI. Ile tell him. And further? 685 
THE. Come, Antonius, letts goe to the port. Hoe, Banacar, bring me the
packett.
BAN. I come, sir.
THE. Here, hold you, deliver this letter to your mother Dorothea, this
to your brother Antoninus, and this to Catherina his wife; and doe my 690 
comendations to all my friends.
ANT. Ile be carefull of your comands, sir. Farewell, deare father.
TRI. He speakes pretty cheerfully, ’tis well done.
THE. But Ile goe with thee, and see thee take shipping. See, here
comes the mariner. 695 
MAR. ’Sfoot come way, that we may weigh anchor and be gone, for
the tide will not carry us out else.
THE. We come, we come.
ANT. Now I am a dead man unless thou helpe me, Trico.
TRI. St, st, feare nothing, sir, for you shall see 700 
How Trico’ll act his part i’th’comedy.

Go to Act II