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ACT III, SCENE i
Fngoconstonides the roreinge boy encourageth Scombrio against the witch and instructs him how to fight.
FRANG. Come on and feare not man. I promis thee
Ile saffe-guard thee and take a dire revenge
On that most wicked woman, whom I will,
At the first sight, as ’twere, annihilate 920
And turne to duste as small as atomies.
SCOM. And will yow duset her mee, saie yow, and soundely?
FRANG. Tut, that’s bee noethinge. I will flaie her quicke,
Then brake her flesh and bones and all to mummie.
SCOM. O brave! That were a pleasant sight indeed. 925
But what, sir, may I call yow, an it please yow,
That promis to perform these noble acts.
Mars, sir, or Hecules?
FRANG. What tells thou mee
Of Mars or Hercules. Tut, these are trifles.
I tell thee, fellowe, I can hurle downe 930
Great Jove from heaven with his thunder boults,
And all the gods and goddesses and devills
Make utter havoc on, and lyke pore mice
Cause them take lurking-holes ev’n in a trice.
SCOM. Greate-spoken and unconquerable man, 935
I honour yow. Now feare I not an hundreth
And fiftie devills, were they all against mee.
FRANG. Come on then, let’s prepare us. And see well
Thou bee no more affraied, since thou shalt have
Frangicostonides to bee thy leader. 940
SCOM. O what a mightie man of name are yow, sir!
And wud you then ha mee not bee affraid
That heares this soe redoubted name of yours?
Praie yow permitt mee yet to quake a litle.
FRANG. What! Dust thou tremble, freind, at my sterne presence 945
And when I looke but on thee, ha?
SCOM. Good sir,
Beseeche yowe therefore turne your backe on mee.
Foor I am sure to tremble mightiely,
Your very name soe terrifies mee, sir.
FRANG. Goe to yet. Here, take in thy hands this sword. 950
SCOM. O good sir, pardon. What shud I doe with it?
I knowe not how to handle it.
FRANG. Yet trye.
Soe, take this buckler too.
SCOM. I scarce dare looke on’t.
FRANG. I saie take’t bouldly.
SCOM. Well, sir, since yow bid mee,
Ile take it up, but under pardon, sor, 955
To laie it downe againe at your greate foote.
For Ime affraide ev’n of my selfe, sir.
Take’t up againe and doe as I command thee.
Raise thy left hand and thus advaunce thy shield,
And in thy right hand hould thy sword. And then 960
Make a brave florish thus. Then thus thy posture.
And when some tyme thou wudst decline a blowe,
Drawe back thy left foote thus. But thus thy right
Bring forward faire, when thou wudst strike thy foe.
SCOM. Wud I were deade if I can learne all these 965
In one wholle yeare! For truely, sir, my hand
Is dogge [experienced] at ploughe, but not enur’de to fight.
And for my feete, sir, I doe nevr use them
For an assault, but to flye amaine.
FRANG. Why how now, man? How stands thou nowe?
SCOM. Faith, sir 970
Not verie firme. Reeles lyke a drunckard just.
FRANG. Sir, stand thy ground, man. In what manner else
Wilt’ enter duell with thy enemie?
SCOM. Noe manner, sir. I can doe nothing in’t.
FRANG. What if thou be assailde?
SCOM. Then with full saile 975
SCOM. Yes, sir, and as with the devill
Men use to deale, soe with my foe Ile fight,
†Save kinge of bodies,† and make’t good by flight.
FRANG Faint-harted man! Why stands thou not thy ground
Firmely and stoutelye, and defends thy selfe? 980
SCOM. Who will assault mee?
FRANG. That will I doe now.
SCOM. And this will I doe to defend my selfe.
FRANG. What dust thou flye for, man? I hurt thee not.
SCOM. Nor have I yow, I thinck, sir.
FRANG. Tarrie, then.
For I assure thee I wud not a struck thee. 985
SCOM. Yow shud a tell’d mee this before yow off’red.
FRANG. Enough now, lett us goe. Leade thou the waye.
SCOM. In noe case, sir. You are the better man.
FRANG. Goe thou before, I saie.
SCOM. O Lord, I hope
Yow doe not thincke I have soe litle manners 990
As take the waie of yow, sir. Praie yow now,
Nay, I beseeche yow, sir, leade yow the waie.
FRANG. Then followe mee. Let not thy courrage dye.
SCOM. Not I, besure, whiles I can stand or flye.
ACT III, SCENE ii
The witche takes Crancus with the theft, and beates him.
GRAM. Out, villeine, hence.
CRAN. I goe, I goe. Oh spare 995
My buttocks, oh.
GRAM. Nay, I’le bee liberall.
Have, sirra. Here’s some sauce too to your meate.
CRAN. Ah, keepe it to yourselfe. I’de none, I thank yow.
Ime satisfy’de allready.
GRAMWhat, yow rogue,
Dust mocke me?
CRAN. Soe now, soe, why doe you strike mee? 1000
GRAM. Dust aske mee, ssirra knave?
CRAN. Why maie I not?
GRAM. And why may I not thus then answere thee?
CRAN. Take heede, I saie, yet on me, an yow will.
GRAM. But I saie, sirra, take thou heede on mee.
CRAN. Why, what d’ee meane, ha? What, the good’eare, wud yee? 1005
GRAM. Give me myne owne againe, that’s it I wud.
My meate th’ast stollen, I meane, thou glutt’nous thief.
CRAN. Wud y’ha mee spue it up againe before yow?
For ha’te you shall not else but soe, or backwards.
GRAM. Then for thy back-ward take thou this to boote. 1010
CRAN. I saie again, take heede least I make furrowes
With these same coulters [fingernails] in your phisnomie.
GRAM. Yea, theif, dust threaten?
CRAN. Ha, thou wicked crowe, dust stike mee yet? Leave off, leave off, I saie.
GRAM. Nay, varlet.
CRAN. If thou wilt not leave, I’le make 1015
Those rotten bones of thine rattle in their skinne.
GRAM. It is yet soe. Wilt thou yet threaten mee?
CRAN. Wilt not ha done yet? Then defend thy selfe.
ACT III, SCENA iii
SCOMBRIO, CRANCUS, FRANGICOSTONIDES, GRAMPOGNA
Scombrio with his chmpion, comming unexpectedly in, hartens Crancus fighting with the witch. And then hee himselfe, being ill intreated by her, cryes out for help to his champion. But whyles hee, with the helpe of them two, draggs her (resisting them) by the haire to hanginge, shee suddainly leaves it behynde her and escapes, and they lal three fall to the ground. Then, seeing the devill coming towards them, they awaie.
SCOM. There, to her, Crancus, to her manfullie.
Courag’ouslie good, ladd, cuffe her mee soundlie. 1020
Beate out the witches teeth, drawe bloud on her.
Oho, help, oh, the dev’lish queane dus bite mee.
CRAN. Nay to her, maister, to her manfullie.
Courag’ouslie good, sir, cuff her mee soundlie.
SCOM. Oh, I beseech yow help mee.
FRANG. Wilt thou then, 1025
Thou wicked, damn’de and detestable witche,
Wilt thou, I saie, with thy mischievous bouldnesse
Force the unmatched proofe of my stronge arme?
Call all the dev’lls of Hell now to thy ayde,
They shall not once deliver thee from mee. 1030
GRAM. Vile dogge! Dust teare my haire off? Hould thy hands.
SCOM. I, hould your hands there, hould her fast, good sir.
Sh’ as almost bitt my nose off with her teethe.
Why, Crancus, stands yow still? Why dust not beat her?
CRAN. Why, maister, stand yow still? Why doe yow not 1035
Thrust yoiur sword throughe her?
SCOM. O, my nose, my nose!
I feare my nose.
CRAN. And I myne eares noe lesse, sir.
GRAM. Lett goe, lett goe. Will yow not lett me goe?
FRANG. Now, now, beleve’t, till I have plagu’d thee throughlye.
GRAM. O I beseech yow, lett me goe. Alas, 1040
I have not injur’de yow, sir, any waie.
SCOM. Sir, hould your hould. Beleeve not her faire words.
My nose beares evidence against her, sir.
And here’s myne eares and sydes too will beare witnesse
What they have suffer’d by those grypes of hers. 1045
GRAM. O noble sir, I humblie doe intreate yow
By that your manlie beard and martiall looke,
By those strong sinewye armes, those hands invincible,
These knees and leggs lyke the Herculean Collumnes,
By your most matchlesse selfe, sir, I beseeche yow 1050
Lewse off your hand and lett me goe.
FRANG. In trothe
Shee strikes on trueth in all shee speakes of mee.
Yet to what end shee speakes it, there’s the doubte.
These witches are a most deceitfull cattell.
GRAM Oi, mee most wretched! Oh, what will yow doe? 1055
FRANG. Use thee as thou deserves. For first Ile hange thee
Up by the haire upon this tree, and then
Make a fire under thee, and rost thee well,
And after give thee to the dev’ll to eate.
SCOM. O daintie morsell!
CRAN. Dainties for the devill. 1060
GRAM. Thou arrant varlett, telst thou mee of rostinge?
FRANG. I marrie doe I, and will doe’t.
GRAM. Roste mee?
CRAN. Thou verie filthie knave! Ungratious fellowe!
Thou bragginge asse!
FRANG. I, art thou roareing, beast
Come to thy punishment, and soone.
GRAM. I will not. 1065
FRANG. Ile dragg thee then.
GRAM. Doe what you canst. I will not.
GRAM. Noe, I saie.
FRANG. Wee’l try that soone. Come hither.
Hould thou here, Scombrio. Laie hould there, Crancus.
SCOM. Ime sore affraid shee’l kicke.
FRANG. Take hould, I saie.
Lets all fall to and dragg her.
CRAN. Hould then hard. Exit venefica . 1070
FRANG. Oh, shee has kill’d me quite.
CRAN. And mee quite out.
SCOM. Oh, I am deade, quite dead.
FRANG. Oh, ho, my backe!
CRAN. My sydes!
SCOM. My haunches, heade, and bellye, oh!
FRANG. For my back-bone’s broken.
CRAN. I ha bruised my ribbs.
SCOM. And I ha lost my braines. Pray, some of yow, 1075
If yow have found um, heep um for mee, sirs.
For sure I live not, nor feele any thinge.
CRAN. What’s then the reason, maister, that yow speake?
SCOM. Because that noe man else wud pittie mee.
FRANG. Oh shame and great dishonour! Am I thus 1080
Deluded and befoolde with this vilde witch?
Has she thus left her false-haire here behynde her?
Are these the guise of weomen?
CRAN. Witches, sir.
FRANG. A comely case indeed for her scalld [scaled, scurvy] skull!
O infamous-unhallowed generacion! 1085
CRAN. What wud yow, sir?
SCOM. I pretee see
If I bee deade or noe.
CRAN. How shall I see it?
SCOM. Stands Death not by mee? Looke. Ime sore affraide.
I feele my bellie ill at ease, mee thincks. 1090
Perhaps hee’s here after ’has killed my father.
Dust thou not see him, Crancus?
CRAN. Noe where I, sir.
SCOM. That’s well. Perhaps I maie live yett.
CRAN. What else?
SCOM. Naie thou saies well, I ha not prayde as yett.
CRAN. ’Tis true. But flye, sir, flye, awaie good maister. 1095
SCOM. Why shud I flye?
CRAN. The devill’s neare yow comminge, sir.
SCOM. I feare no devills if there were an hundred,
As longe as I ha by mee here my leader.
CRAN. But hee’s affraide too.
SCOM. Are you, sir affraid too?
FRANG. What, I? I scorn’t i’faith. Noe, I feare noethinge, 1100
But I doe use to tremble thus in anger.
Yet, if yow please, let us retire a litle.
CRAN. Naie then, Ile tremble too because Ime angrie
And slinck awaie withall.
FRANG. What, runest thou, sirra,
Before thy maister?
CRAN. Yes, because Ime angrie. 1105
SCOM. Goe to, Ile followe thee, ’cause Ime affraid.
ACT III, SCENE iv
GRINCO, THE DEVILL, GRAMPOGNA
The witche sends the devill after Scombrio and his com’rades to revenge the injurie they had done unt her.
GRIN. How comes’t to passe that all men flye thy sight?
DE. Because they dreade mee.
GRIN. Truely I could wish
That they wud dreade all weomen in lyke case.
DE. Then where had thou beene now?
GRIN. Not with the devill. 1110
DE. Neyther with God. But see, thy mother seekes mee.
GRIN. And lett her take thee hardlie.
GRAM. O Granbufo!
DE. Why what’s the matter?
GRIN. Whooh! What’s here to doe?
Sh’ has nev’r a haire left on her head.
GRAM. O freind,
Revenge mee on my enimies.
DE. Whoe are they? 1115
GRIN. All that are good, I thinck.
GRAM. Th’ had almost hang’de mee.
GRIN. Almost well done, but better håd they done it.
GRAM. Th’ave left no haire.
GRIN. I wud th’as left noe heade.
GRAM. O they have handled mee most wickedlie.
GRIN. They they have handled a most wicked one. 1120
GRAM. Yea they had broke my house —
GRIN. The devills shopp.
GRAM. — and taken all my good awaie.
GRIN. That’s noething.
GRAM. — and all my vittailes too.
GRIN. Out, out, that’s something.
I now begin to feare som mischief towards.
GRAM. My bacon, beeffe, and puddings. 1125
GRIN. Ime undone.
O wretched mee! And ha they left us noethinge?
GRAM. Noething indeed.
GRIN. Oi mee!
DE. What ailes thee, man?
GRIN. Naie, ’tis too true, there’s noethinge left to eate.
DE. Peace, man. thou shalt ha meate enough anon. 1130
These fellowes that has us’de thy mother thus
Thou shalt have soone to feede upon at pleasure.
GRAM. Make haste againe.
GRIN. O how my stomack ryses!
It sturs myne anger, I cud fight for hunger.
And ha they left us noething?
GRAM. Not a morsell. 1135
GRIN. O what ill lucke was that they eate not yow?
GRAM. Because I was not rost.
GRIN. Ill luck indeed.
Pox on’t. They shud have eaten yow then rawe.
GRAM. Saist soe, knave, to thy mother?
GRIN. Soe I saie,
And saies noe knave. But lett’s stepp by a litle. 1140
Hange mee if yonder bee not one of them.
ACT III, SCENE v
CRANCUS, GRAMPOGNA, GRINCO
Crancus tells how the devill has turnde his maister into an asse, and his champion into an oxe. And then with the sight of the witch is sore perplexed, and cannot tell which waie to take.
CRAN. Naie, if I meddle any more with witches
To worse maye’t turne, for ill it is alreadie.
I, and the foule-ill too. I meane the devill,
Whom this damn’d witch has made her champion 1145
To ’venge her wrongs. And for my part in them
I ’scapte but narrowlye a mischief done mee.
Now for my maister and his braggadochio,
I thinck th’ are turnde to beasts. My maister lykelye
Because hee will not praye for feare of death, 1150
The other lyker [similar] ’cause hee cannot praye.
For these same creatures never learnt that grace.
Now I, to scape lyke scowringe, what did I
But quicklie made the sign o’ th’ crosse upon mee,
And soe became then dreadfull to the devill. 1155
Made waie to scape, yet am not ridd of feare.
GRAM. This is the knave has eate up all our meate.
GRIN. Insatiable glutton! How I hate him!
CRAN. I heare some speake. Out, out, I am undone.
My feare’s too true, for I have scapte the devill 1160
But fallen upon a worse thinge. This same witche,
From whom I cannot crosse mee, but bee crossed
With her fierce baytinge mee about her vittailes.
What shall I doe? There’s no waie but awaie.
And yet what waie to take I knowe not well. 1165
Ile sett on this waye. But, loe, this’s not for mee.
I see a monster come it. A man -asse,
Or an asse-man. that is, halfe man, halfe ass.
How lyke my maister ’tis! And ’tis meete hee,
I kenne his feete. Then this waie will I take. 1170
Oh, this waie neyther can I take to ’scape.
Another monster stopps mee, and it seems
Compos’de of man and oxe, a Minotaure.
’Tis lyke our worded gallant. Yes, ’tis hee,
Most bravelie furnisht with a paire of hornes. 1175
Well,’tis no bydeing here. Ile then attempt
The middle waye. Oi, me what shall I doe?
Here can I not passe for a woman-devill
That meetes mee in the waie, as but ere whyle
I was in lyke case with a dev’lish woman. 1180
On ev’rie syde doe mischiefs stand about mee.
The witch behynde, before the dev’ll her brother,
An oxe on th’ one syde, an asse on th’ other.
I must then yeeld to fortune to dispose mee.
ACT V, SCENE vi
SCOMBRIO, FRANGICOSTONIDES, CRANCUS, THE DEVILL, GRAMPOGNA, GRINCO
Scombrio, become now half-asse, kicks the witche that floutes him with his heeles, whom alsoe the captaine, now halfe-oxe, pushes with his hornes, and throwes her almost to the ground. At length the devill ends the controversie upon certain condicions set downe. One whereof is that the devill, upon deliveringe to Scombrio his fathers goods, should have him after death for his preye.
SCOM. Some haie and provender I praie thee, Crancus. 1185
Ime verie hungrie.
FRANG. O had I some fodder,
How I cud lapp it up and chewe the cudd on’t!
SCOM. I cud now braie for very hunger truelie.
FRANG. And I cud lowe, I longe for grasse so huglie.
CRAN. And cud you knowe what, for very feare. 1190
DE. Ha he, cudst love me if I gave thee provender?
SCOM. O cruellie.
DE. Upp to thyne eares thou’s ha’te [shall have it].
FRANG. And I cud love thee too, wudst give mee strawe.
DE. Thou’s have horne-plentie too. And what wudst thou?
CRAN. Noething but this, that I maie have thy absence. 1195
DE. When thou hast satisfi’de this man.
CRAN. Harke, sirrah,
Have I not done to thee sufficientlie?
GRIN. Naie thou hast done too much, th’ has eaten all.
GRAM. Dust knowe mee?
SCOM. Yes, I prethee nowe come neare mee. 1200
That I maie kisse thee.
GRAM. O how lovely th’ art!
SCOM. Then I salute thee thus with all my hart.
GRAM. Dust kick thou raskall?
SCOM. Soe doe asses use.
They plaie theire love-tricks all waies with theire heeles.
GRAM. Thou wicked rogue, dust trike mee with thy hornes? 1205
FRANG. O ’tis the usuall tricke of oxen, woman.
They’l push aswell for goodwill as for anger.
GRIN. My mother has, mee thincks, gott two kynde wooers.
GRAM. But now i’faith you’d buye [atone] for alltogeher.
Yow’de hange and rost mee, raskalls, Yu ha pull’de 1210
All my haires of, and rob’d my howse besydes.
GRIN. And which is more, devowred all the vittailes.
DE. Well now, Grampogna, yow may here revenge yow
At your pleasure. But yett take my counsaile.
Yow knowe that Scombrio’s father’s verie riche, 1215
And this a lustie fellowe. Crancus here
Is a most craftie knave, as false as maie bee.
GRIN. That’s true. Hee has beguil’de mee of my breake-fast.
DE. Now of my selfe I will saie noething, neyther
Can I enough speake of this beauteous face. 1220
GRIN. Nor I well hould my peace.
DE. And as for thee,
It is well knowne thou art a verie tosspott,
And a most cov’tous wretche. And here thy sonne
Grinco, why hee’s the kinge of gluttons, hee.
GRIN. What profitts an imperious appetitte 1225
And but small cheare to dominiere upon?
DE. But if yow wud, I cud wish peace amongst y ee
(and it, yow knowe, is not my wont to doe soe),
Yet I wud have it soe on these condicions.
That Scombrio take all yow to his howse, 1230
Where, after I ha brought forth all the treasure
That Chrysocancrio has, yee then maie revell
And spend on it att will, and of the rest
Live well and merrilie as mice in malte.
And when I have done this, as Scombrio 1235
I knowe wud have it done with all his hart,
That then I maie have him for my reward.
Frangicostonides maie have the witche,
And have a dowrie with her. Crancus here
Maie bee made free, and bee the heire of all, 1240
And Grinco fill his bellie with good vittailes.
GRIN. Now truelie I beginne to love the devill
For this trimme sentence.
CRAN. And I truelie alsoe
Beginne to thinck the devill may bee saved
By onely faith.
GRIN. I, and by good works too. 1245
CRAN. How there, hee teacheth th’ are not necessarie.
DE. Thou speakes my mynde just, for I hould good works
There’s none, nor noething worth, and therefore sinnes.
CRAN. Beleeve this all hereafter (if you list).
The learned maister-doctor devill saith it, 1250
The black-schoole-reader to the German friar,
Professor Ordinarie of both the lawes,
To witt, of wicked living and lewd lyinge.
DE. What saist thou, sirrah?
CRAN. Noethinge I ’gainst thee,
For these things thou prescribes are not good workes. 1255
DE. ’Tis true indeed. But now againe to Scombrio,
And this his man of sword.
FRANG. Nay, with a dowrie
I cud affect [have affection for] a verie cowe indeed.
SCOM. Though Ime an asse, yet doe I smell some crafte,
And therefore this condicion lykes me not, 1260
That thou shud ha mee whollie to thy selfe.
Leave me the halfe and take thee th’ other halfe,
I meane, take thou the asse, leave mee the man.
Yet Ile agree to this, that if thou bringe
My father’s goods into my wholle possession, 1295
Thou’d ha mee whollie, but yet after death.
DE. Lett’s goe then. I accept well that condicion.
SCOM. And I the goods.
GRAM. And I too this thy champion.
FRANG. And I the dowrie.
CRAN. I the heritage.
GRIN. And I the meate my hunger to aswage. 1300
Go to Act IV