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AEM. Are you sure Freeman is arriv’d?
DIN. Unless my eyesight cheats me.
AEM. I don’t wonder at that, for you are every inch of you deceit. Where did you see him? Does he look like a good spunge fit to be squeez’d? Hath he receiv’d our letter?
DIN. He receiv’d it at the port, and hither he is coming brim full of tears.
AEM. How do you know that?
DIN. I walk’d slowly behind him and heard him enquire for the souldiers house. Come, come, you must put on your master’s shape once more, and I’ll introduce the wight to you.
AEM. But I have return’d the keys.
DIN. Pho, pho, you have a thousand ways to get them again. But what shall we do for our prisoners? They are out of the way now very inconveniently.
AEM. Oh! I’ll order him to come some other time, tell him I’m not at leisure, take state on me. Oh Fortune, how thou hast loaded me to day with blessings! Ingenuous Dinon!
DIN. Incomparable Aemylio! (Exeunt.)


PERT You see, sir, how I have preferr’d your wit to all the world besides. Many noblemen, nay princes, have been suiters for my body, but they are blockheads, odious blockheads, and I hate a blockhead.
GRINN I am sensible of the honour, tho’ I must acquaint you that in my own country I am rich too, and powerful. Well, I prophecy this marriage will prove for the good of the Heliconian world. I’ll beget a boy on thee shall become the prince of poets.
PERT Oh, I would fain be the mother of a poet!
My word for’t, you shall. When I was young I waliked in measure, suck’d nothing but Helicon instead of milk, and used to sleep on the bicaps of Parnassus. Yet I think epigrams and satyrs were always my chief talent. Shallow, get you home.
SHAL. Not so fast. What, I disputed to day as well as you, did I not?
PERT Oh! I am undone! Ruin’d! My father is coming, what shall we do?
SHAL. Ah, what shall I do? I must be following where I had no business. This dreadful Hercules works worse with me than jallop.
What shall I do? Is there no hiding place?
SHAL. I could creep into the eye of a needle. Have you never a mouldy cheese? I cou’d lie as snug as a mouse there.
PERT. Here’s a hogshead. In, in, quickly for your life.
SHAL. A hogshead? Excellent thought. I shall never be asham’d of so excellent an example in necessities as Diogenes was.
PERT And you, Grinn, under the table. Ha, ha, ha.
What’s the matter?
PERT I only did this to get Shallow out of the way. But let us hasten to be married, lest my father should come indeed.
Allonz, my Muse, my Urania, my Polyhmnie, my Melpomene. (Exeunt.)

Enter AEMYLIO (in the souldiers habit), DINON and FREEMAN

AEM. Give entrance there and let our gate be open’d.
FREE. Are you that souldier whose fame is so deservedly great in battel?
AEM. The same.
FREE. Then I hear you have taken my son in battel.
AEM. Then you are the father of my prisoner.
FREE. I am come hither to redeem him. I beseech you take the mony you demand for his ransome, and let me see him.
AEM. Now certain noblemen expect me. Call to morrow.
FREE. To morrow is a year to a desiring father.
BOMBARDO (Within.) The keys there! Bring me the keys.
OLD WELDON If they can’t find ’em, break the doors open. (Bombardo breaks open the door.)
AEM. All’s lost, Dinon. Who’s at the door?


BOMB. Ha! What do I see? What spirit’s that?
O. WELD. What made you tremble?
BOMB. A sudden terror seizes all my limbs.
AEM. Oh Dinon! To our last refuge. One more turn, spirit, let’s see what that will do.
DIN. Don’t despair, my lad.
O. WELD. I see nothing, not I. Yes, I think there’s a leopard, the very leopard I saw before.
FREE. What, are all the people in this country mad?
Πολλά  δ᾿ ἄναντα κάταντα πάραντα τε δóχμιά τ᾿ ἦλθον
Φρικτά δρακοντóκμων ἐδαίζετο φῦλα Γιγάντων.
BOMB. How much rather cou’d I bear the hottest engagement than this parley with devils!
FREE. Certainly this is all a dream, and I don’t know who nor where I am.
BOMB. Fear not, I see nothing. (Shuts his eyes, and stretching out his hands flings the turban off Aemylio’s head, and discovers him.) Oh! Oh!
Πολυφλοίσβοιο θαλάσσης.
BOMB. My slave that thus abuses me! Lightning blast him! Thunder strike him to the centre!
O. WELD. Here’s a rascal for you! Very fine. What, scoundrel, did you think to frighten us? I am so amazed and inraged at this imputdnce, I protest I am scarce compos.
BOMB. I burn! I dye with rage! I am all aflame!
DIN. Ah, pox on you for a careless puppy.
AEM. Let us bear our fortune with an equal mind.
FREE. I am as full of wonder as any of you, gentlemen. Pray, sir, is your name Bombardo?
BOMB. Yes, sir, and what follows?
FREE. Are you ready, sir, to take my son’s ransom?
BOMB. What ransom? What son? I have none of your son.
FREE. See, sir. Is this your hand?
BOMB. Hah! Aemylio’s hand! What millions of mischiefs has this rascal been plotting? Furies! Revenge! Death! Vengeance! (Strikes at Aemylio and hits Dinon, and pulls his beard off.)
DIN. Good sir, spare me.
FREE. Good gods! What do I see? My servant Dinon! Hark, sirrah, where’s your master?
DIN. Aemylio, what shall I do? Shall I confess?
AEM. Hang your self if you will. I was born under a sullen planet.
O. WELD. These fellows had some hellish contrivance on foot. Send for a couple of whips and lash ’em till they confess.
FREE. I say, let the rascals strip and lash one another till we have pump’d every thing out of ’em we wou’d know.
AEM. Dinon, take heart. I’ll try the strength of your shoulders, boy.
DIN. Pish, I am a Stoick and not sensible of pain.
BOMB. [To a servant.] Sirrah! Bring two whips hither presently.
O. WELD. In the mean time, my worthy friends, pull off your upper coats that you may be the more fit for business. Come, sir, do you accept of this, and let me present you with this. (Gives each a whip.)
DIN. I find ’tis absolutely necessary we must exercise with one another a little. Begin, my Convenience.
AEM. My Opportunity, begin.
DIN. You are the greater knave, and that demands precedence.
O. WELD. The rascals laugh at it. (To two footmen.) Hearke, do you two take thie instruments and use ’em for ’em if they won’t.
AEM. About your busines, friends. We have no need of your assistance.
DIN. Here’s to you, my other half.
AEM. My good genius. (They scourge one another.)
DIN. My Pilades.
AEM. My Orestes.
BOMB. This method of chastisement pleases me the more, ’tis so like to war.
O. WELD. Very well, now stay a little and answer a few questions.
FREE. Where is my son, his tutor and his friend Grinn?
DIN. We have cheated the dolts of their money.
AEM. And cloaths. See how much better they become me than Shallow.
FREE. Matchless impudence!
DIN. I’ll tell you the whole matter. ’Tis wourth your hearing, a very pleasant story. First we made ’em drunk.
AEM. Then I took Shallow’s cloaths and equiped him with my rags.
DIN. Then made ’em believe they were our prisoners.
AEM. And writ a letter to you for their ransom.
DIN. And for the convenience of our design, made that gentleman believe his house was haunted.
FREE. Oh Dinon, Dinon! How have I deserv’d this of you?
AEM. Pleasant, indeed. Why sir, when you begat a fool you did a signal service to the wise of the world. A fool is a publick good.
DIN. Nay, now I think we had good tell all. Aemylio this day is married to Eucomissa. And I wish him joy.
BOMB. Some whirlwind bear me hence, for my misfortunes have no end. (Exit Bombardo.)
AEM. That’s the only thing goes near me, that I have ruin’d Eucomissa.
O. WELD. Were she my daughter, I’d tear her from my family like a corrupted branch, and fling her out to shame and want. Or should my son be disobedient, he shou’d even feel the like.
DIN. No, certainly, sir, he would not disobey so good a father. He hath this day, I suppose by your appointment, married Clara.
O. WELD. Clara! It is impossible. Distraction, Clara! I’ll go turn ’em both out of doors immediately. (Exit.)
AEM. Sir, tho’ a stranger unto you, let me be a suppliant. For whatever my own ill fortune or my folly merits, I have only this to beg, that you wou’d add one word to Eucomissa’s father and reconcile him to her, for she’s innocent, and only by me undone. Sir, I presume to ask this favour of you upon no other obligation but that I’m your countryman.
FREE. My countryman?
AEM. If you’re a native of England.
FREE. How came you to be a servant here?
AEM. By the fault of Fortune. Fate would have it so. I and my sister were brought hither very young, prisoners, and here have liv’d ever since.
FREE. Alas, hard Fate!
AEM. It seems to concern you.
FREE. You make my old wounds bleed afresh. I lost a son and daughter just as you relate. Where were you taken?
AEM. In a voyage to Spain, for our father was a merchant and traded thither.
FREE. The name of the ship?
AEM. The Delphin.
FREE. Heavens! The more I enquire, the more each circumstance agrees. If this discovery proves as I have reason to hope, I am the happiest man that breaths. How long since was this?
AEM. Eighteen years ago.
FREE. Joy and amazement confound me! But there the souldier comes. I’ll enquire of him some farther circumstances.


O. WELD. Out of my doors, thou scandal of my blood, thou stain of my family.
CLARA Inexorable old man, spare him, and let all your passion, all your rage be doubled upon me.
Y. WELD. While I enjoy thy matchless virtue, nothing can be too hard for me to suffer.
FREE. (To the souldier.) Sir, if you please, a word with you.
BOMB. I am so red hot with passion, sir, I can hardly give you a reasonable answer to a question.
EU. Oh Aemylio! Is this the celebration of our nuptials?
AEM. Take courage, my life. No harm shall come to thee, however Fortune disposes me. But we have, if I mistake not, a dawn of comfort yet.
FREE. Sir, you have sufficiently unriddled this strange accident. Oh, my son! How happy, how unexpected a turn of Fortune was here! Where is your sister?
AEM. This, sir, is Clara. Oh, unexpected happy turn of Fate!
FREE. Now, gentlemen, the least I can do is to make my son and daughter’s fortune equal to this unexpected accident, and your wishes.
BOMB. I can deny you nothing, sir. Well, since he has marry’d my girl, be it so, I give him joy.
O. WELD. Ay, here’s some comfort now. Well, son, since things have happen’d thus, and it can’t be helpt, I had as good forgive you.
Y. WELD. You are indeed my father, and next the gods do I revere you.
DIN. Among all this good fortune, I find I am to be scourg’d still. Aemylio, do you remember in what plight I found you? These things have all hapned on my account.
AEM. You shall be repaid with usury, Dinon. You shall always live with me, and my table and pocket shall be yours.
DIN. O my Convenience! My good genius!
AEM. You deserve it, my Opportunity. For even now how strenuously did you belabour me!
DIN. Nor wou’d I be sparing again, my Aemylio, to serve you.
AEM. But, good sir, inform me, is Shallow my brother?
FREE. No, my Aemylio. For when I unfortunately lost you two, I bred up him (a servant’s son) and adopted him for my own.

Enter GRINN and PERT

But who’s here? My old friend Grinn!
GRINN Oh! Master Freeman, your humble servant. You don’t know, may be, how happy I am. Where, where is Bombardo?
PERT (To Aemylio.) There, sir. Don’t you see?
GRINN Pho, this is not he I mean.
PERT What, do you think I don’t know my father?
GRINN No, no. Sir, your blessing.
BOMB. You my son?
GRINN May be you think I jest, because I used to be smart. But I am serious now, unvail my Muse. Now, sir d’you see your daughter —
OMNES Ha, ha, ha!
PERT Don’t wonder I have married this ass. For to give you a thousand reasons in one word, he is rich.
GRINN Do you deny her then to be your daughter?
OMNES Ha, ha, ha!
GRINN Why, what do you laugh for? I have made no jest.
[ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ]
GRINN Ah, ah, I know who she is well enough. She’s a wit, that’s some comfort still.
SHALLOW (Within.) Oh, oh, good madam, let me out. I am hardly able to breath.
AEM. What’s the meaning of this?
PERT Lest you should want at these weddings, I have brought you a full hogshead.

They bring SHALLOW in in the hogshead

SHAL. No, no, I am no wine. Who’s here? I’ll e’en sneak in again.
GRINN Come out, come out, Diogenes.
SHAL Oh! Father, are you here? I’m grown ingenious in this country, and teach men to jest.
FREE. Henceforth never call me father. I will take care of you, but be no more your father.
SHAL. Oh ho, you don’t know me then in these cloaths? I am Shallow. Ask Grinn else, we are prisoners here.
FREE. No, you are free and shall go with me to England.


GRINN Ah, Tutor! Here has been fine doings since I saw you. You shall know all within. Let us go into England and set up our school at Cambridge. There will be an abundance of chaps for our wit, for I find we shall never thrive in this country.
AEM. Fortune, that fickle Quean, hath constant been
In blasting with her frowns deserving men.
To day the wavering gaudy goddess owns
Her error, and neglected merit grows,
And (contradicting an established rule)
Forsakes her darling votary, a fool.