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ACT II, SCENE i
Enter DINON and AEMYLIO in Shallow’s habit
DIN. Aemylio, what makes the fool so thoughtful? I tell you I believe my master’s cloaths have infected thee.
AEM. Get thee into better habit, friend, ’tis below me to hold conference with a servant. An exalted fortune requires an exalted mind. If you are secret, so. If not —
DIN. What ails thee, puppy?
AEM. Prithee keep your distance, for tho’ I love you very well, yet I always hated that equipage of yours, your cattel.
DIN. As if ’twere possible you could forget me.
AEM. Sir, lest you shou’d plead ignorance of my quality, I am called Count Aemylio.
DIN. Therefore, my dear friend and Count Aemylio, answer me one question.
AEM. I give you leave, be impertinent.
DIN. How awkwardly the rascal counterfeits quality! Pray, Count, let me see the letter you writ to Freeman.
AEM. Hum! What does the fellow say? We great men, being full of weighty affairs, can’t always be attentive to every coxcomb’s impertinence.
DIN. Sir, I wou’d see a copy of the letter you sent Freeman into England, to Shallow’s father. Do you hear now?
AEM. Oh, ho, a copy of a letter? ’Tis possible I may shew it you.
DIN. ’Tis possible I may break your pate. Leave trifling, scoundrel.
AEM. How dare you talk thus, when you see how I am metamorpho’sd? Read this. (Gives him a lettter. Dinon reads Bombardo’s letter.)
DIN. Thanks to those mighty powers that have so oft with their especial tutelary care preserv’d me still in battel; but chiefly do I owe my preservation to Mars, my guardian God. I took in battel lately your son, his tutor, and his friend. The fight was long, bloody, unequal. No more. Lord of the Sea, BOMBARDO.
I beseech you, is this his stile?
AEM. He always talks in Heroicks.
DIN. Our matters go on swimmingly. But now what’s to be done?
AEM. Why, I must act Bombardo, you the keeper of these trouts. Disguise your self with a beard that they may not know you. About it instantly, and lug ’em out of their holes. (Exit Dinon.) I must be very stately, carry my head as if I abhorr’d the ground on which I trod. Hem, I am Bombardo. But they come, I must not appear yet. [Exit.]
ACT II, SCENE ii
Enter GERUND, GRINN, and SHALLOW in AEMYLIO’s rags, and after them DINON
GER. Una salus victis nullam sperare salutem.
GRINN Well, what did I do when I was taken, Tutor? Did I not fight like an Hyrcanian tiger that had been rob’d of her whelps?
DIN. Oh, sir, most valiantly.
GRINN Ay, certainly.
SHAL. And I, I did something sure.
GRINN Valour must yield to fate, Tutor. Take heart.
GER. Yes, Pupil, for as the proverb has it, A good heart and thin pair of breeches. You know the rest.
SHAL. (Looks at himself in Aemylio’s rags.) Hei, Tutor, Tutor, I am not Shallow!
GER. What say you?
SHAL. I say I am not Shallow. What, I know Shallow well enough.
GER. That sacred sentence comes from heaven, γνῶθι σεαυτόν .
SHAL. No, no, no, what, I know my self well enough.
GER. Who are you then, if you are not your self?
SHAL. Nay, how do I know?
GER. Pho, pho, you are the same you always was.
SHAL. Am I? Very well, but what’s the meaning of these rags?
GER. Verily I can’t tell you.
SHAL. Can’t tell, and is that all? What shall I say to my father? See, Grinn, do you see?
GRINN I am fuller of admiration than envy, he, he. (Laughing.)
SHAL. Hei, what a hat’s here! I can see you all thro’ these holes.
GRINN. Well, all witty men are subject to misfortunes. I wish I had avoided being witty, as my parents warn’d me.
SHAL. And I too, but I wou’d follow my own ways thus, and see whats come on’t. I have lost all my cloathes.
GER. I advis’d you against it, and gave you a good example. But now, Pupil, you hay say with the poet Naso because he had a long nose,
Ingenio perii Naso poeta meo.
DIN. If you please, gentlemen, I’ll send for my master, for he would willingly talk with you.
GER. If you please, sir. (Dinon goes to the door.)
SHAL. Lord, I am so ashamed of these paltry rags! Let him know who I am, Tutor.
DIN. (At the door.) They expect you. Take care, you rogue, your countenance don’t betray us.
AEM. I warrant you. (Enter Aemylio.)
GRINN What a kingly air he has!
GER. Ora humerosque deo similis!
SHAL. I tremble and shake every inch of me.
AEM. As we have with the glorious thuner of the war conquer’d our enemies, let us be victorious over our selves. And as we have taken life away, give it. A little let our undaunted courage yield and bend to mercy. So Jove, when he has scourg’d the flagitious world, forgives. My force in battel you have enough experienc’d, now taste the sweets of my benign influence. So Fate and I ordain.
SHAL. What shall I do? I find my heart is a searching for some back door to sneak out at.
GRINN How warlike he talks! I don’t think it convenient to joke now.
AEM. I have dispatched a messenger to Aldermann Freeman, that he may redeem you.
GER. Maecenas atavis edite regibus.
SHAL. I shall revive again, for he speaks aqua vitae.
GRINN Now his fierceness grows calm a while. So the Hyena’s flattering voice deceives. The simile is good, and I think an apt simile now and then is preferable to a joke.
AEM. (To Shallow.) Who you are? Your name? Either now speak, or henceforth eternal silence hold you.
SHAL. Sir, I am your slave —
AEM. What says the varlet, hah?
SHAL. — unworthy of the favour.
AEM. Leave trifling complements.
SHAL. I am the eldest son of my father, sir.
AEM. Your name?
SHAL. ’Tis unworthy of your ear.
GRINN Forasmuch as you delight in that martial name of Bombardo, I am contented with Theophilus Grinn. (Aside.) How cunningly I have insinuated my self into his favour.
AEM. And yours?
GER. If it please your greatness, Gerund. Sententious Gerund is my name.
AEM. Keeper, look to the slaves. (Exit.)
GRINN He have me a gracious nod as he went out, I am certain he admir’d my wit.
SHAL. Did not I answer him very courtly?
GRINN Hey, whither now?
DIN. To the place from whence you were brought.
GRINN What? Into that nasty hole, which I call’d, by way of a joke, the Gate of Hell?
DIN. Even thither until you are redeem’d.
SHAL. Ay, ay, let us go thither, for I like dark holes and corners now. I cannot endure to see my self in this dishabilee. (Exeunt.)
ACT II, SCENE iii
AEM. Ruin’d, undone, I have not now one good thought left to help my self. I am no sooner made a gentleman here, but I shall be lash’d finely for my impudence. Oh Dinon!
DIN. What’s the matter you stare so?
AEM. Just now I met —
DIN. Not your master?
AEM. Even he. I know his blustring air too well.
DIN. Will he be here immediately?
AEM. We have not a minute left to think. All our projects spoild and we’re undone.
DIN. Can you think of nothing?
AEM. (Pawsing.) Hum, it shall be so. Dinon, do as I desire you, will you?
AEM. About it, about it quickly.
DIN. Tell me first, I beseech you. Do you think I can read your mind in your face?
AEM. Go immediately to the top of the house. There make strange horrid noises, like — like spirits. You conceive me?
DIN. Why so?
AEM. ’Twill take up time to tell you. Fly, I say.
DIN. But did you really see the soldier?
AEM. With these two eyes, I tell you.
[ . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ] (Exit Dinon.)
AEM. He is here, I must find some way or other to delay him till Dinon’s ready.
ACT II, SCENE iv
BOMB. What place, what unknown region’s this we are arriv’d at? Do I burn under the Torrid Zone, or freeze under the Artick Pole? What extreme part of the globe is this that thus gives limits to the sea? What do I see? My country and my household gods? Or does some faint image delude the uncertain sight?
AEM. No occasion to fancy delusions. You shall have real cause enough presently. Hum, this way — no — it shall be this —
BOMB. And you, my house, all hail. Hah! What wretch is this, weary of life and urging on his fate, that thus anticipates my entrance?
AEM. Out, my sword, and do thy duty. For I will make a ragou of a soldier, and eat him when I have done.
BOMB. Ah! What Scythian, what barbarian’s this? What more than Cannibal, that thus inhumanly wou’d feast on blood? But I’ll return and yield a little to his fury. For tho’ death’s dread image frights me not, yet to be eaten shocks my very nature.
AEM. Who’s that? Return and stand upon your guard.
BOMB. Certainly it can’t be fear, but yet I tremble every inch. Young man, I am not the person which you seek, you are deceiv’d.
AEM. Immortal gods and goddesses! Am I deceiv’d?
BOMB. I say not positively so, but many great men have been deceiv’d. Be not angry, sir, for anger is a short madness.
AEM. Do you know where I may find Bombardo?
BOMB. Indeed I do not.
AEM. Swear, or I’ll not believe you.
BOMB. By the celestial torches that adorn yon azure roof, I swear I know him not. (Aside.) I have a mental reservation, I now may very well swear I don’t know my self.
AEM. But you know him by sight?
BOMB. Yes, sir, I have some slight acquaintance with the man. I always took him for a valiant and an honest man.
AEM. What? Praise my enemy, and to my face?
BOMB. Sir, I may be mistaken. Faces often deceive us.
AEM. ’Tis well. If he enters this house in a month I’ll try what metal he’s made of.
BOMB. (Aside.) I’ll return into the country. The wise avoid all danger.
AEM. (Aside.) Ha, ha, ha, how bravely this habit and I have deceiv’d the blockhead.
BOMB. Ha! What said he? Had I look’d that way sooner I had known the rascal. (In a loud voice.) Return, I say, return. What? Dares a servant thus abuse his master? Let some precipitating whirlwind seize me, involve me some dark cloud in everlasting night, and hide me from the sight of this perfidious wretch.
AEM. [Aside.] I doubt I am undone. [Aloud.] Sir, you’re welcome home. I am glad to see you well, you look strong and hale. I hope you’ll pardon a jest, sir.
BOMB. Do you beg pardon, sir? I doubt here is some trick.
AEM. I was willing to try whether I cou’d deceive you in these cloaths, and I find you knew me even from the beginning. Ah, he is much in the wrong that goes about to put upon you, I find.
BOMB. Ay, ay, prithee, I know you, but sometimes it pleases us to give jest for jest.
AEM. Yes, sir, but where’s Eucomissa and my sister?
BOMB. They follow. ’Tis not fit that I accompany girls.
AEM. Let’s meet ’em, sir, and bid ’em return.
BOMB. Return? Why so?
AEM. Why? Where will they lie?
BOMB. At home.
AEM. What? ’Tis a month ago now since any soul hath been within those doors.
BOMB. No more. I am not in a humour to jest now.
AEM. What? Did I not tell you then? I forgot it, ’tis now no new thing to me. Why, the house is haunted, sir, is full of spirits, devils, cacodaemons, sir. They make such horrid noises, so many several strange sounds, no body ever heard or saw the like.
BOMB. This is strange news, but is it likewise true?
AEM. This ten days my head has been full of this noise. I was so alarm’d at first with it, and so frightened —
BOMB. Cou’d you fear? It becomes not a servant of mine to fear any thing.
AEM. Right, if he be like you. But be pleas’d, sir, to go in, and let experience confirm your belief.
BOMB. No, I do believe you, and therefore need not any confirmation.
AEM. I had rather, sir, you were an eye-witness, but do as you please, sir. I’ll go meet my mistriss and the company, and bid ’em return, if you please. (Exit Aemylio.)
DIN. (Above.) Oh ho, oh ho, oh ho.
BOMB. (Running out. Aemylio meets him.) Ha! What prodigy is this?
AEM. What, sir? Are you terrified, are you in fear of any thing?
BOMB. Who? I fear lest thou shalt see the order of Nature inverted. Corn shall grow in Neptune’s element, and all the watry inhabitants of the sea fly to the woods for shelter, and all the universe confounded and disorder’d. I afraid!
ACT II, SCENE v
Enter EUCOMISSA, CLARA, and PERT, AEMYLIO talking to them
CLARA Spirits, say’st thou? I am amaz’d!
EU. ’Tis strange, Aemylio. Oh Venus! I wou’d not for the world behold a spirit. Pert, didst thou ever see any such thing?
PERT No, madam, but I know one that knows one that has seen ’em.
CLARA But, madam, why do you make such a jest of your marriage to day?
EU. I tell thee, girl, ’twill be impossible, I tremble at the thought. Thou know’st my heart is already mortgag’d.
CLARA And what then?
EU. Then, girl, I can’t make a good title.
PERT Troth, maddam, I think you’re in the wrong. Old Weldon is rich, and will make a good settlement on his son and you in marriage. And, faith, I wou’d not entertain Jove himself for a suitor, unless he visited me as he did Danae in a golden shower.
ACT II, SCENE vi
Enter OLD WELDON and YOUNG WELDON
O. WELD. Master Bombardo, good morning, sir.
BOMB. Sir, I return you thanks. Here let uncertain Man behold the strange vicissitudes of Fate. This heap, this undigested mole was late a goodly building and my mansion house. But now —
O. WELD. What says he, Aemylio?
AEM. His house is haunted, sir, with spirits.
O. WELD. Spirits! Where are they? I see none. (Puts on his spectacles.)
AEM. Sir, you may see ’em within doors without four eyes.
Y. WELD. Since this unhappy accident has fall’n out, sir, I believe they may command our house. There’s room enough.
O. WELD. Good counsel, my boy, good counsel. That too, Bombardo, will be a very proper place to marry the young couple at, hah?
BOMB. Good counsel, and I like it.
Y. WELD. (To Eucomissa and Clara.) Is it possible? Could stars be concealed so long? Madam, you’re welcome to the town, and, believe me, your return hither is my own return to happiness. For I was absent from my self while your were wanting. You may now easily grant me that love is blind, since I beheld you no sooner.
EU. If you never behold me again, sir, you shan’t want a pardon, I promise you. We ladies are merciful by nature.
CLARA You are blind with too much light. For you neither see what is, nor what will ever be, when you call us stars.
Y. WELD. If those happy luminaries yet wanted a name for their similitude to bright eyes, we might properly call ’em so.
PERT. Oh Diana! How I admire these pretty love discourses!
BOMB. Mr. Weldon, never any thing of this nature appear’d before me yet, tho’ I have travell’d thro’ Asia, Europe, Africa and America, and other parts of the world.
O. WELD. I remember something of this nature when I was a boy, a school boy. I think it was about, about, ay, about the year one thousand six hundred and forty. No, no, forthy three, ay, that was the year.
EU. May we see any of these apparitions, sir?
BOMB. Do what you will, daughter.
EU. Open the door, Aemylio.
AEM. (Aside.) I am ruin’d. [Aloud.] Madam, I doubt they will frighten you out of your senses.
EU. Do they speak?
AEM. Yes, but after an horrible manner.
EU. Let Pert dispute with ’em, she has tongue enough.
PERT I warrant you, ’tis not the first time I have disputed with a spirit.
AEM. I know you have good lungs. Let the devil make as great a noise as he can, I fear it not but you will outbawl him.
PERT Good Jack, how you cock your comb now in those cloaths. How came you by ’em?
AEM. I am not at leasure to inform you. (To Old Weldon.) Sir —
O. WELD. Give me the key.
Y. WELD. Sir, I’ll open it.
EU. Hark, don’t you hear ’em?
DINON (Makes a noise.) Oh ho, oh ho.
BOMB. Come, come, let us be gone.
EU. Where are you going, sir?
BOMB. I can’t bear the sight of such a crowd of cowards. (Exit.)
CLARA Let us go, Master Weldon.
GERUND (Within.) Flectere si nequeam superos, Acheronta movebo.
Y. WELD. This spirit is a learned one, he has read Virgil.
EU. Oh Pert! What shall we do?
PERT Let me hold an argument with him, madam. What is your name, devil?
AEM. What ails the foolish wench? He will tear you to pieces.
PERT I dare him, let him do his worst.
GER. (Within.) Ζεῦ πάτερ Ἴδηθεν μεδέων κύδιστε μεγιστε,
καὶ ποταμοὶ καὶ γαῖα, καὶ οἱ ὑπένερθε καμóντας,
ὑμεῖς μάρτυροι ἔστε.
PERT Ay, ay, speak Hebrew if you will.
DIN. (Within.) Oh ho, the harlot.
PERT Harlot? What, does he call me names?
AEM. This woman is a real devil. What shall we do?
CLARA Do you see nothing, Eucomissa?
O. WELD. Yes, where is it?
CLARA There, in the shape of a black bear.
Y. WELD. Where? I see nothing.
AEM. No? See how his eyes sparkle and his nostrils breath fire. He looks as if he wou’d just now devour us.
O. WELD. Where are my spectacles? Verily I think it is like a leopard. Come, sir, come, let’s be gone. (Exeunt praeter Aemylio.)
<AEM.> Ha, ha, ha. Come down, my good genius. Let me bless thee, my cacodaemon.
DIN. Did I not act my part exactly?
AEM. Thou art my worthy copartner in deceit.
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